Beulah, peel me a grape.

Bloody stupid arseholes that leave shit links in your comments box. It really annoys the hell out of me.

You could make so that any comments that are left on your blog can be looked at by you first and then you authorise them… but where is the fun in that? Everyone has their own way of getting rid of them but I found that the way I deal with them makes me feel much, much better...

I edit their comments to reveal their true nature. Have a look at the comments on my following posts and you can see straight away which ones are the annoying fuckwits: 

(Be warned that there are some strong offensive words used.) 

http://saffronica.blog.co.uk/2007/08/24/i_can_t_remember_and_is_it_half_past_fiv~2863412

http://saffronica.blog.co.uk/2007/07/16/title~2645685

Mr. T and Ham Man came to stay on Friday and we had a bit of a barbeque. Well, when I say barbeque I mean that it was just a mass of food and a seemingly endless supply of beer. As I don’t drink beer (two pints and I’m on the floor), I was on the whiskey and coke all night, drinking it through a straw in a glass. I was good though, I only had three large glasses and I took my time drinking them. How sensible am I?!

Mr. T wasn’t what I expected; he looked like a lion with a mane of gingerish hair and a goatee. He was quite a big lad who has travelled all over the place. Also I think he wasn’t quite the mentalist as Hairy Face and Ham Man made out to be but I suppose my definition of mad is a little different to theirs as I’m , so Hairy Face says, from the ‘wrong side of the tracks’. I admit when I was growing up as a teen I did mix with some unmentionable and sometimes quite dangerous folk but you live and learn and I’m still here so all is well. So yes, back to what I was saying, Mr. T isn’t mad as in dangerous mad, but quite a little like the A Team’s very own Mr. T (except our Mr. T is well, gingerish).

A good night was had by all. We all sat in the garden for hours after, well into the night. Hairy Face bought some long garden candles and made a small lighted guide from our backdoor to the patio at the very end of the garden. It looked beautiful. I sat there staring into the flames for a long time, listening to them talk about their days when they were at University and telling each other stories of what they’ve done since they’ve last seen each other. Not a cloud in the sky and I saw two small shooting stars while universe gazing. I felt very calm and content with my lot that night, staring up for hours and watching the stars twinkle and fade.

I crawled up to bed about half past two Saturday morning and didn’t get up until 11am. Marvellous! I didn’t do much yesterday but just sat quietly and tidied up a bit and came on here to catch up with posts and emails.

I was up for about 10am this morning and so was Ham Man and Hairy Face (The Mighty LeBeau was up and out by about 7am as he had to work this weekend). I did a spot of tidying up, washed all the pots and cleaned all the work surfaces. Ham Man dried the pots and put them away. Now everyone is just milling about, relaxing, no rush.

I’m thinking about starting my book again. 5500+ words and I haven’t touched for almost two years. Thinking about blowing the dust of it and start tappity-tappying again. I should do really. I’ve shown a few people the first 10 pages and they all want to know more about the story. I told them not to even bother pointing out grammar, punctuation, spelling, mixing past tense and present tense because I know they are there hehe. Then again it is such a nice day, do I really want to spend it inside? Maybe if I’m extra nice to Hairy Face he will let me borrow his laptop and take it outside. Ah well, there is no rush. I’m off work for a whole week

This is what I wanted to say... I’m so damn proud!

My little brother had his GCSE results yesterday and they are as follows:

History - A*
Maths - A
Maths Pilot Exam - A
Science Double Award - Double A
Religious Studies - C
English Language - B
English Literature - A
Spanish - A
PE - C

Clever little sod ain’t he! Mum just burst into tears she was so proud as was Grandad and Uncle P.

Mum is getting him a laptop (he's doing A Levels nxt month so a laptop would be useful to him) for his results and I bought him a brand new Ipod as his old Zen MP3 player was played that much it died on him.

Congratulations to everyone else who had the GCSE results they wanted!

No internet or external mail going in/out of work all yesterday but it was fixed earlier this morning. Hence why I wasn't nosy-ing around everyone's blogs until last night.

Speaking of nosy-ing, mine is still blocked but thankfully that is all that’s wrong with me now. Well, besides being a mentalist but that is beside the point.

After half past five today I will be having a whole glorious week off work and I plan to do nothing. No planning I mean, just what ever takes our fancy on the day.

I'm meeting Hairy Face in the pub after I finish work (it's only across the road) as he will have Ham Man with him (picking him up from the train station). I am expecting a nice cold drink waiting for me when I get there! After the drink we're going straight to the next train station nearest our home and pick up the other Uni friend. I haven't got a nickname for this one yet as this will be the first time I've met him. I'll call him T until I make up my mind.

Just been outside for a cigarette in the sun and now I've completely forgotten what I was going to say.

Ahh sod it, it'll come to me in due course.

*Hours later...*

Bloody Nora, will this day EVER end? I've been working like a beaver getting my handover ready. I look at the clock thinking it must be near time to go home... 4pm. Four O'bloody-clock. I still have an hour and a half to go! I went to the pub at lunchtime for an hour and a half too!

Home time soon, just have to find something else to keep me busy until then. I know... I'll pick out all the disgusting bits from this keyboard with a toothpick. Yes...

We have an online jukebox at my work place where you can choose two songs each hour (or more if you ask people to choose a couple of songs on your behalf). It's not that bad and it does have a wide selection of music genres and musicians.

I'm not pissed off with that as you can imagine. I'm pissed off with a group of work 'Hobbits' who must come together every bloody day, hairy feet and all, and each one chooses two songs from the Lord of the Rings album until the whole album is played through.

Don't get me wrong I love the Lord of the Rings films and the music but come on... every bloody day, at least TWICE a day, a group of little hobbity bastards put on the whole album. In synchronisation. If I keep hearing the piece of music about the Shires one more time I will snap. I would either just scream and run out the building or totally lose it by dressing up as Saruman and hunt them down like the measly prey they are.

Cold is bad, keep coughing and nose running like a tap. I keep drinking to hopefully flush the bugger out my system but it's not working yet. When I get home tonight it will be walk in the house, drop bag on floor, clamber up the stairs, put on comfy sloppy clothes, get in bed and get some sleep.

I hate having a cold because there isn't a bloody cure, you just have to ride it out and be patient until it goes away by itself.

I know they must have done research for cures for the common cold but as far as I know, nothing has been found. Funny really that its one of the most common ailments we have and yet there is no cure. You can get an injection for the 'flu (which is completely different to a common cold) which sort of boosts your immune system so you're hardier towards the strain.

What we need is a cold remedy. I've tried the Hot Toddy (hot tea and a generous slosh of whiskey), Cold and flu tablets, eating chilli (excellent clearing the nose for a bit) and I can't think of anything else.

Has anyone got a tried and tested cold remedy I could try?

If the word PERIOD and MENSTRUAL CYCLE fill you with dread just stop reading right now. You have BEEN WARNED.

And if you dare utter a single moan in my direction about this post after you've read it even though I have WARNED YOU BEFORE HAND I will give you a good hard kick in the BALLS... or BOOBS. I'm not sexist.

I feel like talking bollocks suddenly so here goes:

I hate that feeling you get just before the trickle at the back of your throat turns into a raging cough/cold combo. That’s what I have right now. I can feel it. Trickling. Body aching, shoulders especially.

The red tide is in for me and I just will not stop bleeding. Every time I move I pop a clot out. Every time I cough I shoot another clot out. I stand up I lose a pint of blood. I sit down I give birth to another bloody clot.
Blood clot.
Hahaha!
I make myself laugh and another 50 pence sized strawberry jam bit shoots out. Oh GOD. My stomach is feeling like its constantly being squeezed out like a juicer. I really need to buy a thing that you fill with hot water... hot water bottle thing.

So to sum it up ladies and gentlemen, I'm ratty, clotty, sniffly Saffy.

Not only have we found out that Guinea Pigs tunnel and dig, they also scale wire fences. Yes, the little bugger escaped last night. Rigsby Houdini ladies and gentlemen, performed a spectacular stunt.

I and Hairy Face walked into the garden to see how the new addition was getting on with the rest of the furry balls and all four of them were in there and accounted for. I buggered off into the kitchen to make dinner while Hairy Face wondered into the Living room to see if he can find some news on the TV.

While I was in the middle of preparing the chicken (cutting it up into bite sized pieces), Hairy Face came in and said he was going to look at the Guinea Pigs again. Off he went.

Three minutes later he came back in with a face like thunder.

'He's bloody escaped. Again'.
'You are joking?'
'No. The little bastard.'

Hairy Face went outside in the garden just as LeBeau walked in from work. LeBeau was quickly recruited and both went to work finding Rigsby. He was easily caught this time, only taking an hour from start to finish. It was raining and I suppose the thought of that warm hay in a sheltered place was just too much for him to miss out on.

LeBeau caught him this time, with a spectacular dive from one end of the garden to the other. Rigby didn't stand a chance.

'Gotcha you little bugger.'

Hairy Face put all the Guinea Pigs inside the hutch and looked at the run that he and LeBeau had constructed on Sunday.

'How did he escape then'? I asked.

You won't believe it. He scaled the wire mesh on the outside of the hutch and scooted over the top and slid down the other side. The hutch roof (it's a triangular hutch) has now got wire mesh over the top so he can't attempt it again. Let’s see him escape that!

I had the granddaddy of all headaches last night. The lights were too bright and noise was too loud (even though the lights were only on glow and the volume was down to 3 on the TV). Took a couple of painkillers, went to bed and had the most bizarre dream...

The pressure in my head was getting worse quickly, so bad in fact that my eyeballs were visibly pulsing and with each pulse they got bigger and bigger. I couldn't take the pain any longer... so I popped my eyeballs with a pin. The sound was like a balloon popping...

Which woke me up and my headache was gone. I sat upright in bed with such a bemused look on my face and I had to check in the mirror to make sure my eyeballs were still there. I still have both of them, marvellous!

I went to the doctors last Friday for my yearly MOT as you do and to renew my prescription. Hairy Face picked up at lunch time today and he took me to the doctors so that I can pick up my prescription and then to the chemist to hand it in.

Hairy Face said he was going to nip next door to the pet shop to get some hay for the wee hairy beasties. I said I'll meet him in there as soon as I've picked up my six months supply from the chemist. I gave my prescription to the lady, she went off and did the thing they do (I like to imagine them juggling pills and popping one every so often, like a mini rave party but the only music is the rattling of the pills in the bottle). She came back and said my first name and then stopped and looked at me. I laughed and said it was fine; first name will do and left. My surname is a little hard to pronounce but when I was little I was called Quasimodo as they couldn't pronounced my surname, not that I have a hunched back. I'm rambling again. Where was I...?

I was only in there for five minutes at the most. Five minutes. I walked into the pet shop next door and I could see him... he was there... over by the furry animals corner.

'Hello Hairy Face! What are you doing in this part of the pet shop?'
' Look! Look at the funny rabbit face!'

It was a very funny looking face. In fact, it looked as if the rabbit had Down Syndrome. It had a funny face and it was absolutely adorable. It had extra large nostrils that flare out like a pair of 70's jeans when it breathed out. I was fascinated. It was an actual pedigree sort of breed that I've never seen before. Anyway we couldn't buy the rabbit though as we don't actually have a rabbit hutch, the one we have is designed for Guinea Pigs.

'Anyway, I have been looking at the Guinea Pigs! See that white one there?'
I looked over to where he was pointing.
'Look at its ears! They are huge!'

I admit, yes they do look a bit too big for its head.
I don't know what happened next but the pet shop lady came over and said that we can have the Guinea Pig for £5, half price because she likes us and we make her laugh. We came out of the shop with hay and a Guinea Pig tucked into a borrowed container from the pet shop. Hairy Face was delighted at the snuffly creature and I was laughing because he was excited.

The Guinea Pig at the moment is called Sergeant Masterton but the name will probably change. At this rate I'm going to be over run with the bloody things.

Sergeant Masterton is currently at work with Hairy Face, behind his desk and everyone is making a fuss over her. She's probably bloody terrified but should be fine once she is at home in the garden. It is safe to say, when we do buy our own house, we will end up with a bloody petting zoo.

I'm online!

I'm online at home and I've got absolutely bugger all to blog about. Bloody typical... but I'm online again! Almost three weeks of non internet at home almost drove me up the wall but I held on. The wait is over. Time to celebrate with a tall whiskey and coke

For crying out bloody loud. We still have no internet at home. Hairy Face had an email from the internet provider to say that it is activated but he tried to get on last night with no luck.

He reprogrammed both routers, tried them with factory settings and got nothing, diddly-squat. We shall try again tonight.

It was a really unusual day yesterday. I wasn't particularly busy but I was if you know what I mean. No, of course you don't, even I'm having a hard time understanding me this morning. I mean that I was doing some work and as I was just about to finish it, another bit came along. So I was going at a nice steady pace but was just busy.

Mind you, I still had time to knock up two weird cartoons and sent them to Hairy Face who was having a really, really busy day to cheer him up. First up... The Balloon:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v207/Hazydaisy/Quick%20Cartoons/TheBalloon.jpg

Second, one that is simply called Wrath:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v207/Hazydaisy/Quick%20Cartoons/Wrath.jpg

It's Friday! I had a feeling it was Thursday. That has cheered me up considerably indeed! Get today out of the way people, we have a relaxing weekend ahead! Well... I have anyway, don't know about you lot.

Anyone doing anything exciting? I'm planning to get wildly mildly drunk and... I haven't thought that far ahead yet.

We came home from work on Monday night and Hairy Face went outside to see if there was any sign of them. LeBeau was already in and he said he has been looking out every now and then.

Bloody hell, its pouring it down here. Glad we caught the Guinea Pigs...

Yes, as I was saying, we all went out in the garden and stood still for what seemed like ages. A definite rustle was heard. Hairy Face went to one end of the garden and LeBeau went to the other. Again I stood in the middle, armed with empty washing basket to act as a trap in case any of them decide to shoot out from the middle.

A hoarse whisper from LeBeau to Hairy Face:
'Heeey! I seee oone! Its Rigsbyy and hees cooming yoouur waaayy!'
Hairy Face nodded and immediately adopted the crouching position, arms open, and face twitching as one of the tendrils from the Binding plant kept tickling his face.
'THERE HE GOES!' LeBeau cried and off Rigsby shot towards the open arms of Hairy Face.
'I'LL GET HIM! I'LL GET HIM! I'LL... where did he go?'
A puzzled Hairy Face got on all fours and proceeded to crawl under the undergrowth. Rigsby seemed to have disappeared without a trace!
'Ah. I see. I forgot about that little hole in the fence.'

Little Rigsby must have bolted through it. Hairy Face placed an eye in the opening and there he was. Sitting in the middle of an immaculate lawn, looking very, very pleased with himself. The little bugger.

'Saffronica, keep an eye on that hole will you and let me know if you see that beady-eyed little bugger creeping back in.' With a sigh, I got on all fours and rested my head on the ground, watching that hole.

While I was watching the bolt hole, LeBeau and Hairy Face spotted Plummer (well, Plummer’s bottom as it dashed behind the apple tree) and began crashing about through the bushes, like a pair of cowboys trying to grab a greased up pig. Shouts of 'Here!' 'No, Here!' 'Are you bloody blind?! SHE'S HERE!' filled the air and both were running up and down the garden, covered in seed barbs, grass and twigs sticking out of their hair.

If anyone came into the garden at that point and saw me staring intently into a bush keeping very still (with an empty washing basket in one hand) and those pair running up and down the garden looking like a couple of wild men from the woods screaming while trampling through the undergrowth, I think they would have ran off and the next thing you know a padded van would turn up with three comfy straight jackets all ready.

A sudden piercing victory scream filled the air and Hairy Face came out from under a large bush looking triumphant and holding a small black bundle of fur.
'AHA! I GOT YOU NOW!'

I glanced up quickly and noticed it was Plummer. Hairy Face checked her over to make sure that she wasn't injured or hurt in anyway after the scrabbling about. Not a scratch! I can't say the same for Hairy Face. A couple of deep scratches but nothing too bad.

Plummer was placed in the kennel with Scumose and she dashed under her mum. The little noises coming from the kennel suggested that Scumose was very happy to have her daughter back.

'I see beady-eyes and fur coming through the bolt hole!' I said.
'WHERE!?'
Both LeBeau and Hairy Face dashed to their positions at either end of the garden, ready for round two.
'He's coming through bit by bit. None of you move until I say so.'
We all stood still as a statue, both of the guys ready to pounce. I saw Rigsby carefully looking around and crept through the hole and he went off to the left.
'GO!' I shouted and I jumped forward to cover the bolt hole.
More shouts of 'HE'S HERE!', 'NO, OVER HERE!' and 'WATCH OUT, HE'S COMING YOUR WAY!' cut through the air.
More dashing about, crashing around, running to and fro in the garden, more twigs collected in their hair and more seeds and grass collected on our close (I took my jeans off and found half a pocket full of garden bits... that's how meticulous we were).

Rigsby wasn't quite as fast as his sister and before long, Hairy Face caught hold of him and LeBeau had to pull out a lot of Binding weed away so that Hairy Face could pull him out. A quick check over to make sure that Rigsby didn't receive any injuries proved he was in fine shape, albeit a little tired from all the dodging and running.

A mighty cheer was made as all three of us celebrated catching the two Guinea Pigs safely. As Rigsby was put into the nice warm kennel with Scumose and Plummer, a little tiny cheer of squeaks erupted (or so I think). They were back together again.

I now have a mission. My mission to find a way to make the Guinea Pig outdoor hutch safe so that the little beggars can't tunnel out again. We still want an open floor hutch as the Guinea Pigs like to nibble at the grass and we move the hutch around so that they get to have fresh grass everyday (along with carrots/lettuce/cabbage).

Whoever said looking after Guinea Pigs is easy? The bloody liars.

Someone came back from Finland and brought us a packet of these delicious goodness. Being a creative sort (and being blinding obvious and not to mention childish) I thought I'd make a little advertisement because you see, I've done my work. The names have been changed to protect the innocent... THE DEVIL MAKES USE OF IDLES HANDS PEOPLE.

The Change Team is powered by: 

Of course I'm busy working, what are you implying?

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.

"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.

He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!

Right... has anyone told OUR Guinea Pigs?! The little rascals have only just gone and done that haven't they. The little gits. About half ten last night I, Hairy Face and The Mighty LeBeau just finished watching the first series of Heroes (fantastic!). LeBeau and Hairy Face went out to the back garden to bring the Guinea Pigs into the kennel as they do every night. LeBeau gets the night time box out of the kennel and wonders over to the hutch in the garden.

'Uh, Hairy Face?'
'Yes.'
'Two of our Guinea Pigs are missing.'
'What?'
'Scumose is the only one in here.'

Scumose is the mother of both Plummer who had the daring escape and Rigsby, the little son.

Lebeau lifted Scumose into the night time box and Hairy Face lifted the hutch to investigate (after making sure that no Guinea Pigs were in there and Lebeau wasn't being a bit rubbish).

'That's prepostorous.' Hairy Face exclaimed.
'What is?'
'Guinea Pigs do not dig and tunnel out.'

I came out into the garden at this time because the pair of them were out there a lot longer than usual.

'Anything the matter?' I asked as I flipped-flopped into the garden.
'Guinea Pigs don't dig and tunnel out do they?'
'No Hairy Face, they don't normally do that...' a warning light glowed in my head.
'...Which one is it this time?'
'Plumber and Rigsby.'
‘Both of them? Marvellous, how did they escape?'
Hairy Face looked slightly bemused.
'They tunnelled out.'
I stared at him in disbelief.
'Guinea Pigs don't dig.'
'Looks like these ones do,' piped up LeBeau, 'either that or Scumose is a really bad parent.'
Hairy Face started walking up towards the top end of the garden.
'Right, let's try to flush these buggers out. Lebeau, you stand there and make sure they don't come flying out. If they do, grab them. Saffronica, you stand in the middle and wiggle the big stick in the undergrowth and see if you can spot either of them.'
The garden is a little wild, bits of it has overgrown here and there which makes it a perfect place for Guinea Pigs to hide and never be found, all you get to see is a flash of a Guinea Pigs bottom as it hurls itself back into the undergrowth.

An hour later of rummaging through the garden jungle, Hairy Face had a rash all up his arm because of the Poison Ivy he found accidentally, scratches and cuts on his legs as he trundled through the rose bushes and LeBeau was covered from head to toe in seed barbs (those seeds that are round and stick to you like velcro, what are they?). No Guinea Pigs. So it looks like ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be on a stake out for a next few days.

Guinea Pigs don't dig or tunnel my arse. CAN SOMEBODY RELAY THIS MESSAGE ONTO OUR STUPID GUINEA PIGS PLEASE?

Any Guinea Pig whisperers out there?

Bombing along the A38 to get to work this morning (Hairy Face drives), I suddenly had the urge to look up into the sky and my eyes fell on a beautiful patchwork air balloon. I was sat in the passenger seat with my face pressed up against the window like a child, transfixed on this balloon.

'Look Hairy Face! It's a BALLOOOOOON!' I said childishly.
He just laughed and said yes he can see it and it's very pretty.

The sun was just getting brighter and the way the rays hit the balloon was... well... amazing. I saw the colours on the balloon really glow. Reds, blues, greens, yellows, oranges... a proper patchwork, like one of those old fashioned patchwork bed covers.

So glad its Friday, going to pub at lunchtime to celebrate my work colleague’s birthday tomorrow and then it's just a work slog until 4:30pm and a bolt for the door.

I'm also thinking of buying this to surprise Hairy Face and The Mighty LeBeau:

http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/lifestyle-home/bbq-garden/instant-pool/index.html

I got the last week in August as holiday and if the weather holds out, it would be great to have this in the garden. Also Hairy Face has two old Uni friends, Ham Man and the Mentalist coming to visit. Hairy Face said that Mentalist is 'just my cup of tea'. I probed further into this statement and he basically said that I am a mentalist and when in the mood I can be 'bloody terrifying' when I'm angry, throwing things about and shouting obscenities. He and The Mighty LeBeau have only seen this once and that's when we moved in and I was lugging heavy suitcases up the stairs. I hurt my foot and arm so I lost my temper, threw a suitcase full of books onto the bed and turned the air electrifying blue. Better than bottling it all up and simmering for days. I'd rather get it out of my system there and then plus it usually only lasts five minutes or so then I'm fine. Anyway, I digress...

They're coming up to stay for a couple of days so that would also provide a bit of entertainment and fun. I'll also need to get a cover for it and a little pump for the ring bit.

It's strange really, I really begrudge myself for buying anything for me unless it is a practical buy and yet when it comes to other people I don't think twice about spending money. I like surprising people, makes me feel good.

Just came back from the pub. Our local is closed for refurbishment and the one next to it was three men deep at the bar, all waiting to be served. The Birthday Boy was very much annoyed and decided he wanted to go back to work. We gently persuaded him that the next pub is over the other side of the Train Station and we can walk through it. Grumbling, he agreed and we all walked over. It was quiet and cool in there and the drinks were icy cold.

I haven't had any lunch yet. I've forgotten again. It’s not like I need to lose any weight, I'm happy with my size I just forget to have lunch sometimes. I make up for it when I get home though. Might have to see what snacky stuffs are available in the vending machine.

Only two hours left and then it’s the weekend. I'm going to stop off at the shop and buy a crate of larger and some lemonade, because I really fancy drinking cold shandy in the garden. Possibly get a KFC bucket for tea tonight to share. I really don't want to cook anything.

Thank you for reading this post, I hoped you enjoyed it.

This post is sponsored by...

Chunky Kit-Kat... when four fingers just isn't enough.

"I woke up at the crack of Dawn and I said 'Dawn, get your crack out my face." I was wondering why I had a huge amount of sleep in my eyes...

I could do with some electrical tape to tape my eyelids open and have a handy eye dropper next to me so that I can keep my eyes moist every few seconds. It wouldn't be practical at work thought would it? I'm yawning constantly and the urge to curl up under my desk for a sleep is overwhelming.

Just chaired the morning Firewall Meeting. I arrive about 5 minutes early so that I can have some peace and quiet. There are a couple of big bean bags up there that are crying out to be sprawled on. Tempting as it may be, I resist.

I really wish I hadn't bothered going into work today. Everyone is having a really shit day and it does change the atmosphere. Morale is as low as it can be and talking to management about it is as good as banging your head against a brick wall. I cannot wait to go home.

Go home, take my boots off, pour myself a tall Whiskey and Coke (I need it today) and take myself and my cigarettes out into the back garden and just relax on the patio at the far end. Nice and quiet. That sounds bloody perfect.

We've past the half-way mark so less than four hours and I'll be bolting out the door. Not heard from Hairy Face today but then again he's been busy as hell at work. When we get Broadband in (early next week), he'll be able to do some of the work at home so he won't have to run around like a man on fire at work.

I can hear a ticking noise near me and I have no idea where it's coming from... I've just moved desks (next chair up... whoop-ee-doo) and the guy who will be sitting next to me has left a big blue box which is closed under his new desk (my old desk). I shouldn't but...

Why the fuck has the man got an old style alarm clock in the blue box? Does he actually sleep here? That was the ticking noise I could hear. I had visions that I would peep into the box and have a Wild E. Coyote moment when I would see it was actually a bundle of ACME TNT sticks with a little ticking clock next to it. KABOOM! I appear looking like a blacked up Al Johnson and in true cartoon style I would get up and sing 'Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal!’

Thinking of getting some lunch but I'm really not that hungry. I did have a bacon and hash brown cob at 8:30 this morning so I'm not overly hungry. Maybe I should just get a banana. Sod it, I'm skipping lunch. I'll have my dinner at home later. Can't wait for the day to finish. It's been one of those bloody days today.

Yesterday was manic. 10 minutes before I was due to go home the whole thing went up in the air. I was calling people to tell them not to come in to do the changes then 5 minutes later calling them back to ask if they can come in because management have changed their minds and deem the change safe to go in. Arseholes. Flapping about like scraggly city pigeons.

Everyone seems to be on tenterhooks today. It’s so thick in the air you could cut it with a knife but that’s enough of office politics. Let's step over this and move along...

I've just had a ham and salad cob for my lunch at my desk again as I'm too busy to sit in the canteen. The ham was very salty but went will with the tomatoes. Or is that tomatos? No definitely tomatoes. Whatever, the usually red juicy things with the yellow seeds inside.

My God, is it natural for anyone to be that orange colour? I can't decide if she just scrubbed her skin with carrots everyday before going to bed or she's been playing with a spray paint gun full of orange paint in a garage. It just might be that she's using the wrong foundation colour. My dear, you need to be using Porcelain White not Carrotanese. Or would that be Tangonese? Either way, I'd steer clear of both if I were you love.

The Auditors are prowling around the place like a bunch of scrawny lions in ill-fitting suits and clashing ties. It's funny how everyone works faster when one of the Auditors slink up behind them and they seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that a vulture is behind them watching when not three minutes before they were surfing the net and looking for new gadgets on www.iwantoneofthose.com. I know your game young man, I know. I just glanced up at him from the top of my screen and he returned my glance with a sheepish grin.

I'm going to bugger off now as things have gone tits up again at work. I need to roll my sleeves up, lube up, stick my arm deep into the panicking work vagina and bring forth some sort of calm. Hehe I love my job when it gets panicky, I'm in my bloody element.

This was yesterday's entry but due to pandemonium breaking loose at work just before I was due to go home, it was forgotten. I was here for an extra half an hour last night.

Tuesday - 7th August 2007

I'm fading fast today. It's my turn on lates, only an extra hour but Tiredness is already draping his big luxurious blanket over my weary shoulders. In front of me is my temporary saviour to make me last until the end of the day. A coffee. Two heaped spoonfuls of coffee, two big sugars and plenty of milk. If this doesn't get me whoopin' an' a hollerin' until home time I don't know what will.

*Has a taste of the coffee*

Oh my GOD that’s the bitterly goodness hit I was looking for. This should keep me going quite nicely.

It's been a damn busy week for work. It's amazing the effect Auditors have on a business. Mind you, we've been bought out by an international company so it looks that there will be a flurry of activity for quite some time.

I've been outside twice to stretch my legs and to enjoy the sunshine. Lots of Tussock Moths fluttering about too. The prickly bush was covered in caterpillars wearing bright yellow Mohicans and now they're all fluttering about outside. It was nice to sit and watch them for five minutes.

It’s important to me to find somewhere each day to just go and sit somewhere outside (weather permitting) and let my mind wander about all the little natural things I see. Also to give my eyes a rest from staring at a computer screen all day. After a while sitting and staring it’s like having fine grains of sand poured into your eyeballs. Each time you blink it’s all scratchy.

Less than an hour and I'm out of here. Tomorrow is the middle of the working week and after that it’s all downhill until the weekend.

Sunday was fantastic weather! I got up at 10am, did most of the boring household chores with help from Hairy Face (The Mighty Lebeau was already up and gone to work). Completed the bulk of the chores by midday so I got changed into my crack-whore sun-bathing shorts (you wouldn't catch me DEAD wearing them beyond my property) and a bikini top for a sunbathe in the garden, armed with a cold glass of Summer Fruit and Barley cordial (with apple shaped ice cubes) and a James Herriot book. I kept popping in and out of the house but I got a good four hours of glorious sunshine in. My skin is starting to resemble the colour of Chinese Crispy Duck. Without the crispy. Crispy skin... *shudders*

A few hours later…

I wrote that bit up there at just gone half past eight this morning. All hell broke loose at work and I’ve only just come up for a breather. A quick recap of what has happened to me over the weekend:

Had an Indian take-away Saturday night and had the rest of it heated up in the microwave and had Chicken Madras for Sunday Lunch. Disgusting you may think but there is nothing much more satisfying and unhealthy as a re-heated take-away curry from the night before. MMMM-mmmmm.

We watched up to episode 11 of Heroes. It’s bloody marvellous.

Did lots of washing and hung it up to dry in the fantastic weather we had this weekend.

Bleached the toilets. It is IMPORTANT that the toilets get bleached. Seriously, I have a thing for bleaching toilets. I will not go near the outside toilet. Not with the family of Gigantasaurus Spidercus living in there. Great, big, hairy, black monsters they are, with fangs like a 20 foot Sabre Tooth tiger. Hairy Face has the honour of doing that one and I INSIST it has to be done. The thing about our outdoor toilet, when you flush it the water comes right back out at you Hairy Face says, so he has to be careful that he jumps back (without knocking himself out on the low wooden door frame) when he flushes otherwise it would look like he’s pissed himself.

Tried to Hoover the house again and I forgot that the bloody thing only likes to do the one room. I kid you not, I have Hoovered the front room twice and when I step over the metal strip on the floor to go into the living room, it conks out. The 10 fuse can only last one room it seems and yet when we try to put in a 13 fuse, it doesn’t even start. If this means that I have to change the bloody fuse for every single room the in the jocking house just to Hoover up you’ve got another thing coming. I’ll hurl the buggering orange thing like a Caber Toss and toss it in the middle of the road in front of all those great big tractors which seem to go up and down our street at regular intervals.

We have a land line phone which was activated today AND… AND most IMPORTANTLY OF ALL… we should be back online by the end of the week. You never realise how much you relied on the internet until you’ve been cut off for about two weeks. I can live without it certainly no problem but you don’t half realise what a luxury it is to have one. I can’t bloody wait!

Right, head down and back to work again. Only 20 minutes to go on the clock and I’m running free.

It's a bit nippy this morning! I woke up this morning and did not want to get out of bed. I was snuggled down deep in the bed with the toasty warm duvet wrapped around me then the bloody alarm went off. Took me 15 minutes to finally get myself out of bed.

Do any of you watch Heroes? I think I'm a bit addicted to it. I've only seen the first 5 episodes. Saw the first two episodes on BBC2 last week and Hairy Face came home from work yesterday will 11 episodes on his hard drive from work. Marvellous! All of us didn't go to bed until gone midnight and that's probably I'm falling asleep all over the place.

Me and Hairy Face went to his parent’s house yesterday so that he can pick up a spray bottle for his wood frogs and Fire belly toads that we now have in the house in a glass cabinet. Noisy little buggers when they get going, really nice though. Also took one of the Guinea Pigs with us as he still a little small to be running around in his parent's garden. Hairy Face said that we will take him, let him grow up at ours and they can have him back when his big enough. He called this one Rigby. This is actually Scumoses son and Plumbers brother... I hope Rigby doesn't try and get it on with either of them. I will not allow incestuous relations in my garden thank you. Imagine mutant Guinea Pigs trampling about in our garden. No inbreeding allowed!

I actually cooked something proper yesterday. Chicken in white wine sauce and rice. I obviously added garlic and green chillies (I do like a kick in my food) and Hairy Face and The Mighty Lebeau both said it was really good and they both enjoyed it. I was strutting round the kitchen rinsing the pots and pans out afterwards for a bit I can tell you.

It has been pretty quiet this week for me. Just normal day to day la-de-da. First time in a long time that when I let my mind roam, nothing pressing or worrying comes to the surface. It just picks up the little mundane things like shopping lists or work. Actually, thinking about it a bit more (while I eat this GINORMOUS chocolate muffin from Costco that my work colleagues have brought for everyone), I can honestly say that the way life is for me at this moment is pretty damn good. I haven't said that in years!

I can't believe I just ate that whole massive chocolate muffin. I'm such a greedy cow. Just off to get a straw so I can suck the crumbs off my desk.