Beulah, peel me a grape.

I got a stiff brown envelope in the post.

I opened it.

Pulled out the letter.

Turned out to be a certificate.

I passed my exam!

Pay rise, here I come!

Well, I hope so anyway, I worked damn hard to pass that

I woke up, washed the pots, hung the clothes out to dry, hoovered the whole house, cleaned and disinfected the kitchen, washed the kitchen floor, cleaned the bathroom from top to bottom and finally had a shower. Hairy Face put in the next load of washing and hung them out to dry while I brought in the first wash and folded them. Then I made a quick lunch of omelettes with ham, tomatoes, onions and cheese, washed down with a bottle of chocolate Yazoo (chocolate milk).

I've now have bugger all to do and got the whole afternoon to myself to do as I please.

I've accomplished a hell of a lot for a Sunday morning!

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'm pre-menstrual...

I need to hijack a big lorry full of milk chocolate bars, drive it somewhere isolated and eat my way through it all until I'm fat, bloated and smeared head to toe in the stuff until I resemble some horrible nasty scat porn scene. First thing that came into my head. Disgusting I know but first thing.

It'll all blow over soon, I just need food. I get really hungry. For chocolate and savouries. I wonder why I'm not 28 stone in weight. I bloody well should be the amount of fatty crap I shove into my Black Hole of Calcutta mouth but I'm not so all is well.

I might have to stop at Morrisons on the way back home and get me a big, BIG bar of delicious, sweet, sweet, milk chocolate and probably twenty FAT sausage rolls to stuff my face pig style in the car and just grunt all the way. GRUNT, GRUNT, GRUNT, SCOFF, SCOFF, SQUEAL, SQUEAL, GRUNT and OINK. That will be me, on the A38 going home. When I get out the car it'll be like a mass Fat Bastard wedding where the confetti is just purely flakes of fat filled pastry and chocolate bits.

God I'm looking forward to it. Here's to PMT, don't fight the bitch, EMBRACE IT.

The jukebox at work is loud today, which I'm thankful for because it's as dull as dish water. Team morale is at an all time low and everyone seems to be secretly looking for jobs elsewhere. You know what? I don't give a flying monkeys, I really don't. I do my day job to the best of my ability and forget about it as soon as I leave the building when I go home.

I love my job, being an IT Change Analyst is great, you talk to all levels of the business and changes cannot go through unless they have my say so. I'm in a position of power and I'm loving it. If things go tits up I don't worry about it. I don't really get stressed out. After all, nine times out of ten it's not my doing.

Racism. Have any of you experienced it? When I first came to England back in 89' I was ten years old. I went to an English primary school where some of the kids picked on me for being a bit darker and having almond shaped eyes (slanty if you will). I was kicked, punched and spat on. Being a kid I just couldn't understand it. I mean back in Jakarta I went to school with a whole mix of people; Americans, Dutch, Indonesians, Australians, British... the lot so why pick on me? At first I just took it and then one day I flipped and grabbed a boy who spat on me and I did my best to really, really hurt him. I didn't, I came out worse but it made the difference as after that it was just name-calling.

When my brother came up to secondary school (I was already there) they started on him. Luckily a lot of the kids ran up to me to tell me when it was happening. My brother is a quiet secretive type of guy and he would just walk away. Me on the other hand, as soon as I heard something was happening, ran straight over and grab the little bastards and threatened to pull their penises off and make them eat it if they ever picked on him again. My brother was always horrified when I did this but I didn't care. I will not have anyone pick on my brother. That's my job; I am the older sister after all.

I remember when I had finish secondary and walked into school to pick up my ceramic frogs I did for my Art exam to bring home. I had a big one and a smaller one the size of a cricket ball. I saw my brother at the tree and I walked over to him to ask him if it was ok to walk home with him (he gets embarrassed obviously). A group of three boys in his year started calling him and running up behind him, pushing him. I lost my temper. I aimed my smaller exam piece pottery frog and threw it as hard as I could (my best bloody exam piece, I was so damn proud of that frog). I got one of the little bastards on the back and he crumpled to the floor and cried.

'THAT'LL FUCKING TEACH YOU TO PICK ON MY BROTHER YOU LITTLE BASTARDS!'

The head Maths teacher came running out and ordered me and my brother into the classroom while another teacher told frog-back-boy to get up and go see the nurse to see if there was any damage.

I was well and truly bollocked for doing what I did. I stood there with tears streaming down my face because I was furious. I knew what I did was wrong but I didn't give a shit. No one picks on my family, not my little brother, no way. The teacher knew why I did it and he said I should have just gone in the school and told a teacher. I apologised and said I lost my temper. He told me that I will have to control it because one day I would get into trouble. My brother was just sat on a chair looking out of the window.

Frog-back-boy was fine fortunately for him, he had a little bruise but that's it. Nothing seemed to happen after that. I don't think frog-back-boy told his parents. I assume they would be disgusted at his behaviour.

Me and my brother walked home in silence. To this day we've never spoken about it.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why I don't get riled up anymore when someone calls me all the racist names under the sun, any offensive name in fact. It really does not bother me, I’ll agree with you and laugh. But if anyone ever upsets any of my family, my siblings especially, God help you for I will find you and knock you the fuck out.

Finally got my head back together. I've forgotten all about the course thank God. All that information crammed into my brain wasn't doing any good at all.

I had a quiet weekend, Guinea Pigs are still in their enclosure, and nothing has broken. Well... the bedroom door is. It's got to a point where it sticks and one of these days I'll be stuck IN the bedroom and can't get out. Can't decide whether that would be a good or bad thing, both have its merits.

There is absolutely bugger all happening at my end. Planning another long weekend to Amsterdam in January which will mostly consist if smoking lots, eating waffles and raspberries, smoking some more, Artis Zoo, smoking again and Indonesian restaurants. And smoking of course. Might actually go on the canal in a boat but we'll see. I should also make the effort to get in touch with my cousin who lives there and meet up for the day.

Speaking of families, I've been talking to my family in Indonesia again as from August 2005 (after about a 17 year gap of silence). It was a very weird experience at first but now I've gotten used to it. Hoping to be able to go back to Jakarta and visit. The media over there might prick up its ears if they knew I was going over which I don't really want to be honest. I just want to see my family. The media can wait.

I've been toying with the idea of writing down my background, who my dad was and how I ended up in England. Toying because I don't really want to expose myself that much on the internet. I like the anonymity. One day perhaps.

Anyway, back to work!

It is so quiet at work today.

I am bored. So bored in fact that my last thought was what would I do if my womb fell out now and ran across the room.

This is serious boredom.

My first day back at work after the three day intensive brain cramming course. All in all, I think I'll pass. I think. Quietly confident. I'll know within two - three weeks time whether I've done it or not, so here's hoping.

My brain is exhausted and I can't function properly yet. I'm mentally exhausted and all I want to do is have a real good long sleep. *YAWN*

I was home by 7pm last night, logged on here, look through all the posts you left and commenting on a couple and that was all I could do.

On the way back I had to change trains twice and as it was going home time the trains were all packed solid. Sardines in a tin.

I can only right short bits because brain can't process anything bigger. Had a chocolate bar at half eight this morning which is too early but needed the sugar boost.

I should be back to normal by the weekend, it's hard to shake out a whole IT Service folder out of your head.

So to summerise:

I think I did alright in the exam. Pay rise, here I come!

I'm not going to be near a computer next week for three days. Have to travel to do this IT course.

I hope I'll pass it.

If I do it would mean I can say that my salary is definitely in need of a five thousand pound pay rise or around that mark.

I've worked my damn backside off here, fought tooth and nail to stick my foot in the IT door and having no IT qualifications what so ever makes it very difficult.

Took me three years but I got in there and thats only because they're paying me way below the minimum salary for the position I'm doing.

I've had this playing on my mind all week, I really want to pass this. The exam will be next Wednesday and I won't know the results until three - four weeks time.

I'm going to try and forget the exam after I've done it because there is no point fretting after you've handed your paper in. You can't do anything about it anyway.

Also trying to beat down this nervousness that keeps creeping up the insides of my stomach. I'm the only one from my company that's going, I'm going on my own, I'm staying in a hotel for two nights and I'm having to catch a train (and change three times) going there and back. So Monday I will be overly worried about the following:

Catching the right trains
Getting there on time
Getting to the right training centre
Registering for my course whilst hoping they have my correct details
Getting to the right hotel
Figuring out how to use my dinner allowance from work
Understanding the course
What if I find it really, really hard
Passing my exam

I'm going to be a nervous wreck on Monday but by the time the day is over and I'm in my hotel room studying and having my dinner, I'll be fine. Tuesday and Wednesday will fly by and before I know it, I'll be on my way home.

I JUST WANT TO GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH! AARGH! Calm... calm... breath in... and out... and reeeellaaaaaaaax. There. I'm calm... for now

When your alarm goes off in the morning, what do you wake up to? Because I and Hairy Face wake up at the same time and go to work at the same time, we use his mobile phone for an alarm clock. So what do we wake up to? We wake up to the Twin Peaks theme. It starts off nice and quiet and builds up gradually. I hate rude awakenings.

Last night, in bed, I'm trying to get to sleep and Hairy Face keeps tickling me to keep me awake. Conversation ensues (remember that I am very, very tired): 

Me - Stop tickling me, you're not allowed after midnight it's the law. 

Hairy Face - Why, will a policeman come and tell me off? 

M - Yes, the Midnight Policeman. 

HF - Who would that be then? 

M - The Moon obviously. That's the Midnight Policeman. If you break any of the After Midnight Laws he will come. 

HF - What will he do? 

M - He will put Moon Rust all over you car. 

HF - What’s Moon Rust? 

M - Moon Cheese. 

HF - But I like cheese. 

M - Pepper flavoured Moon Cheese. 

HF - Why does it have to taste of the vegetable I hate most? 

M - That's how the Midnight Policeman works. That is the punishment. 

HF - I see. 

M - Yes. He is very benevolent. He is firm but fair. If you follow the After Midnight Laws for a time (and he will know) then you may be rewarded for good behaviour by the Midnight Policeman. 

HF - Really? What kind of rewards? 

M - Well, one kind of reward is Moon Shine. 

HF - What's what? 

M - Whiskey obviously. Moon Whiskey. It's very nice and the best whiskey in the Universe. Now PLEASE let me get some sleep! 

Hairy Face gave me a big squeeze and a cuddle and let me go to sleep. Finally. He was laughing at me during the whole sleepy conversation.

Because it just needs to be immortalised!

Originated on Row's post here:

http://rowtheboat.blog.co.uk/2007/09/04/ugh_no~2923179

For Row and Nick then:

I went for my Smear test a couple of years ago.

I was lying on the bed, knees apart, feet together and the nurse put the bloody cold thing inside and then cranked it open (no idea what it was, I knew it was made of metal and damn cold).

She looked in and I kid you not, she said this:

'Oh your cervix pops up like a toaster!'

I was gobsmacked I tell you.

The comments on Row's post makes for interesting reading!

It's a busy day at work. I've hardly had two minutes to myself.

Update on the little furry balls of twattery:

The Guinea Pigs were all caught yesterday. LeBeau caught one, Hairy Face caught one and LeBeau's sister caught another one. LeBeau's parents, sister and niece pulled up just as me and Hairy Face pulled up. We dumped our work crap on the floor in the kitchen and marched into garden.

It was pretty quick this time as all together there were six of us (the niece doesn't count as she only came to visit to stroke and feed the Guinea Pigs). LeBeau's mum was laughing so much as all of us went diving into bushes and borders, scrabbling after the little furry pests and after about half an hour all were caught. We ended up covered in barbs, seeds, sticks, twigs, bugs, spiders, woodlice (which happened to have been resting on my shoulder) and dirt. Covered.

I wrote that bit up there about an hour ago. Bloody hell, no rest for the wicked

Two hours later...

This isn't working today, I can't blog and work at the same time it's that hectic. I'll just have to read other people's blogs and comment whenever I can. It's taken me all day to write this little piddly post!

They were at it like hammer and tongues late last night, screams and banging about. Me with my ear pressed against the wall listening as hard as I could.

Before you dirty minded among you think I'm listening in to two people doing the fornication dance of the 'Hokey-Cokey In-Out-In-Out-And-Shake-It-All-About' (alright, shagging) then you are wrong. Go wash your hair out and keep your mind out of the gutter... some people.

They were having a bit of a ding-dong. An argument. A row. A rip roaring screaming match. Well, she was anyway.

What is it about the human nature that when we hear a row that has got absolutely sod all to do with us, we immediately strain our ears and listen with a delighted grin on our faces?

As I was ear-wigging at the wall, eyes closed, straining to hear like the nosey bag that I am I could only hear the following:

Hermione (she likes Harry Potter) was screaming at Ron (her other half):

Hermione - YOU BLOODY LIED TO ME!!!!!

Ron - mumblemumblemumble.

H - BUT YOU BLOODY LIED!!!! HOW DARE YOU! YOU BLOODY WENT OFF WITH mumblemumblemumble YOU THINK I WOULDN'T mumblemumblemumble EVEN YOUR BLOODY DAD KNOWS ABOUT mumblemumblemumble

R - Yes but YOU LIED TO ME THAT ONE TI-

Hermione cuts in like a razor to a jugular vein:

H - YES AND THAT WAS THE ONE AND ONLY TIME I LIED TO YOU AND THAT WAS FOR A BLOODY DAMN GOOD REASON!!!!!!

R - mumblemumblemumble

H - THAT MONEY WAS BEING TAKEN OUT OF MY ACCOUNT mumblemumblemumble YOU JUST SPENT IT ON BLOODY mumblemumblemumble I COULD'VE GOT IN TROUBLE mumblemumblemumble MONEY WAS FOR THE BLOODY BILLS!!!!!

R - YOU ALWAYS DO THIS, YOU mumblemumblemumble

H - I AM NEVER GOING TO CHANGE, NOT FOR YOU OR ANYBODY!!!!

R - You always start the argument OVER NOTHING! EIGHT YEARS AND IT'S STILL THE SAME! I'VE DONE NOTHING WRON-

(I can just imagine Hermione at this point growing 17 times her normal size, glowing bright red and ready to explode with pure unadulterated rage...wait for it... thar she blows!)

H - How dare you. HOW BLOODY DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME!!!!! THE THINGS I'VE DONE FOR- undecipherable screechy high-pitch squealy noise like a whistling kettle that has been boiling for a solid seven minutes.

Silence. Pure utter silence. Somebody stomped up the stairs and a door was heard slamming (which shook the light fittings in our home).

I stayed there with my ear glued to the wall for a further five minutes but nothing else was said. I shrugged my shoulders and went to bed. I still have no idea what they were arguing about. I'll have to see if a big bag of clothes is outside their front door or not before I go in the back garden and start on Operation Rat Catcher...

Excuse my language but..

THOSE FUCKING GODDAMN GUINEA PIGS HAVE ESCAPED AGAIN!!!

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

I give up. Stupid furry balls of twattery.

Bugger. I'm back at work. Had a great week off doing almost nothing at all. I did take my brothers to Dudley Zoo for the day with Hairy Face and his sister. It was a good day. I did notice that quite close to the zoo (near the college) that it smelled strongly of fish and spices... my youngest brother now thinks that Dudley constantly smells of fish and spices.

I and Hairy face went out for a Chinese meal on our own Friday night and it was lovely. We don't do much 'dating' so it's always nice when we do do it. We ate our dinner while taking the piss out of everyone around us. It got to the stage where we were acting like a couple of spazes, gurning and monging at each other (much to the disgust to the other dinner guests). We wasn't doing it particularly loud, we were just being very active in our movements. A good night!

Other than the above, I didn’t much at all on my week off, just pottered about and did some housework, checked emails, checked blogs, generally surfed the internet and the obligatory drinking and eating much more than I should have done. But that is what holidays are about, being over excessive.

I've got so much work to do but I have one particular change that I need to sort out and already I want to shred the plan up to bits in front of the plan creator's little face. I shall be calm today, I shall not kick off and I shall not tell people what I REALLY think of them today because I will make a couple of them cry. I'll save that for the middle of the week. Idiots.

Well, lets get Monday out of the bloody way, I best get some work done!