Beulah, peel me a grape.

Useless fact about me:

For years and years I thought the Vacuum was called a Vacuum because when you turn it on it makes a sound like this:

'vaaaacuuUUUUMMMM'

Hairy Face was ecstatic to point out while laughing his head off that it was called a vacuum because of what happens inside the bloody thing. It creates a vacuum to suck up all the dirt and dust.

A busy weekend indeed. Hairy Face and I woke up earlier the usual (9:30am IS early for a weekend for us I'll have you know) and got a lot done. I'm so proud of him.

Saturday:

Woke up and went for a quick food shop. On arrival at the car park there was an empty space right next to the shops which is unheard of. Slipped right in there.

The shopping itself took no longer than three quarters of an hour and we got home just in time for Morton Carnival. Which was ACE.

We put the shopping away and I left the front door open, dashing in and out, waiting for the marching band and the little parade to go by. I've never seen one before so I was bouncing off the walls at this point, demanding where the parade was. I could hear it but I couldn't see it.

It was quite windy when the carnival started and as me and Hairy Face walked in, a gazebo belonging to a couple of old dears who had a tombola suddenly decided to lift off into the air. Hairy Face went bounding over to catch it just before it lifted itself into the next field and pushed one corner in place. I grabbed and stood on it while Hairy Face fixed the other corners into place.

I've never been to a small village carnival (let alone a fate) before and I really enjoyed it, it was so... quintessentially English. Two tombolas, Chesterfield Musketeers marching band, face painting, a small birds of prey display, games like sack race, a bouncy castle, Lucky dip for children AND adults and obviously the
burger place. Not a burger van but a couple with an actual honest-to-goodness barbeque. The burgers tasted like real burgers, not soggy grey meat on a damp bun.

It was a pound to have a go on the lucky dip so, never done a lucky dip since I was the age of nine, I had a go. I won a pot of Boots Botanic skin shine and polish cream. I was delighted, truly delighted! Something so daft tickled me all day.

Hairy Face had a go on the tombola, the same tombola he
gallantly saved from the gust of wind earlier. The lady saw him come over and immediately gave him a large beaming smile and said loudly to her friend "OOOH LOOK, HERE COMES OUR SAMSON!" which made me laugh.

'A raffle ticket stuck to prize which ended in a 0 or a 5 wins. 50 pence for five tickets.' the sign said so Hairy Face had a go. He got one that ended in a five and won a Dolphin Mermaid colouring book and crayon set which he gave to me. I was like a child, very happy with my new colouring set.

This was the kind of thing I dreamt about when I was a kid, since my mum read 'Lost at the Fair' (a Ladybird book) to me. The whole village came out to see the carnival, drinking, laughing, kids going nuts in the centre doing handstands and cartwheels, running around with balloon swords... that was my idea of England when I was small and I was very pleased to see that the way I imagined it was exactly how it was at Morton Carnival.

After the carnival (we went back twice more after the initial visit) we came back and Hairy Face called a friend to see if they wanted to help me extend the guinea pig enclosure. Yes. Extend it. It now takes up almost a full length of the garden. His friend set about by pulling up all the flora and fauna we didn't want, mostly
bloody bind weed and goose grass ('sticky willys' we called them when we were kids... oh I sound old). He also weeded out from under our apple tree, left the Bracken (like a big fern), Snowdrop and Bluebell bulbs. I think they grow from bulbs... anyway, it was tidy under there.

The guinea pig enclosure now goes around the apple tree and the guinea pigs some to love it under there. There is now plenty of room for them to dash about and do those daft little jumps that they do.

That was Saturday, very busy but it was time well spent.

Sunday:

Washing. Washing, washing and more washing. Hairy Face got the washing sorted into one big pile while I went off polish in one hand duster in the other to the living room.

After a good dusting and tidying I went to get the vacuum out from under the stairs. Turned it on, did half of the room then turned it off again as Hairy Face asked me a question about something and I couldn't hear him. I turned the thing on again and I got the 'vaaaaAACUUU-click.'

Hmmm.

'Click'

Huh?

'ClickClickClickClickClickClick'

Stupid vacuum has clonked out. 'Do we have another 10 amp
fuse? It's died again' I asked Hairy Face. he found one, I put it in, it doesn't work. That must have been a spent one. That reminds me, I'll send an email to Hairy Face now to remind him we need to get some on the way home tonight.So yes, half of my living room floor is spotless, the other half... well, I spent a good 20 minutes picking up the visible bits from the carpet. I was not amused. Hot, angry and not amused. Was told to go and sit in the garden until I've stopped raging on about the vacuum. I did and I stopped.

Hairy Face's dad popped over with a hedge trimmer as Hairy Face said he wanted to do a bit of trimming. Along one side of our garden was a couple of unkept bushes which together resembled a really funky huge 70's style afro, which touched the floor.

How much do men enjoy wielding power tools about, especially when it gives them free rein to cause devastation and destruction? He was wielding it about like a barbarian would a broadsword. In no time at all the half of the overgrown garden was no more but a thicket of twigs and sticks. But what is this? We found:

Two bushes that we didn't know was even there
A sapling of some sort
One big toad
A small garden wall that goes from one end to the other
Roughly three metres of extra garden

Three metres of extra ground! Hairy Face sprinkled a load of grass seed down on the bare ground and watered it all, it should grow back lovely. He also sprinkled some grass seed in the guinea pig area to give the bald patches chance to grow. I've got to check and find out what those new plants are, one is green with BIG heart shaped leaves and another will smaller and narrower heart shape leaves with an outline of red around the edges.

I had a fantastic weekend, bring on the next one!

Christ on a tandem with the Holy Ghost, how do they expect us to use public transport when the cost of a train ticket is more if we bought petrol and went in the car? I got two weeks booked off in the summer (end of August/start of September) and we fancy going to London to visit London Zoo because I've never been before.

Thought it would be a nice idea to go to London on the train and stay over the night. My God... How much for one night in London? Is the room wallpaper made from gold leaf? Is the shower head made of platinum? Do I get woken up by nubile luscious young men wearing nothing but silk loincloths gently fanning me with palm leaves and softly tickling my face with an Ostrich feather? I would expect, nay, DEMAND that kind of service from some of the London hotels that are charging ridiculous prices to stay at their establishment for ONE night.

I thought if I look to book train tickets now, you know, in ADVANCE, it would be cheaper. Oh how wrong I was. Is it because these greedy bastards know it's school Summer Holiday and therefore EVERYTHING MUST GO UP ASTRONOMICALLY IN PRICE? I say again, bastards. Utter, utter money grabbing bastards.

A few comparisons and the average cost for two people to go on a train and returning the next day using stated times and one night in a London hotel roughly £300. And that doesn't include food, drink, and Zoo tickets. That might not seem a lot to some people but that to me is a big chunk out of the money bag. I can do it but I will need to juggle money from credit card/savings account (which only has £100 in it!) and my overdraft. I'm getting good at this juggling lark. I could sell one of my kidneys then I would be able to afford the train fare.

I wonder if Hairy Face would be slightly put out if I left him for a very old and filthy rich Oil Baron. I would have to do the usual, make sure I get all his oil money which will be stated in his will and then sex the dear old bugger to death...

Type in what the questions ask you into Google search and use the first thing that comes up as your answer.

1. Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
Kirsty needs to destroy the mattress to rid the world of Julia

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Kirsty looks like a cheap flea market knock-off action figure version of herself.

3. Type in "[your name] likes" in Google search:
Kirsty likes it BIG kirsty also likes girls punching my private parts...

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Kirsty says. hello!! today we did alot of cuttin out of our pictures for our WINDOW WONDERLAND!!

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Kirsty Wants You's photo

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Kirsty Does Dubai information, trailers, reviews, photos and more.

7. Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search
Kirsty Hates Change says, "haha! sorry for being a shitty mate....

8. Type in "[your name] goes" in Google search:
Kirsty goes to university she will no longer be classed as a child so her mother could not claim for child maintenance.

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kirsty loves... Sunday

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Kirsty has interviewed many top politicians

11. Type in "[your name] gets" in the Google search:
Kirsty Gets Her England Callup After Super Win

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Kirsty - Eats live moles, can't dance I can't dance.

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Kirsty can see it up straight.

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kirsty drinks Yerba Mate with very bad hair.

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Kirsty makes 'fantastic recovery'

Has anyone experienced heart palpitations? They are annoying and sometimes damn scary.

As I type this my heart beat is all over the place. One second its beating normally then there is a silence... it seems to pause. Suddenly *BANG!BANG!BANG!beatbeat beat beatbeatbeat beat beat BANG!BANG! beat*. The BANGs feels as though my heart is literally going to burst out of my chest and it seems to strain against my rib cage. Then its back to normal.

I only seem to get them when I'm sitting down or relaxed. I become acutely aware of my heart beat. It happens a little when I get in bed and I have to take a couple of really deep breaths to calm it down.

I only drink at the weekends and thats only a couple of bottles of Perry (Cider but made of pears, not apples) and I'm smoking 5 or 6 cigarettes a day.

I've had them as far as I can remember but it seems to have got worse in the last month. There are things happening at work as we're having a big shake-up within the business which means that my job role may change but that doesn't bother me as I like a bit of a challange. Still being paid well below the starting salary but that seems to be the norm these days. I digress...

My heart beat has gone back to normal now. Apparently over 700,000 people in the UK have some form of heart palpitation and it's very, very common. If you are worried about it you can see your GB and they may be able to do something to calm it down if it affects you badly.

I can cope with mine, it just makes me hold my breath when I get a big wave and I feel a little light headed but I'm always ok afterwards. The longest they last is roughly two minutes, which seems like an age when they're happening.

It's just very annoying. It's like having your very own brass band start up loudly next to your ear when you least expect it.