I have no fucking idea how she manages everything they way she does. She must have super powers or something. Ridiculous amount of work she has to keep on top of.

I think I've done ok but I am worried that a couple of decisions I've made may be the wrong ones. Nothing major just a couple of things. I'll speak to her about those when she gets back next Wednesday. I may have to throw myself at her feet and weep... ok no I won't but still, I'll be relieved when she's back.

We're having a barbeque today. Yes it will most likely rain but damn it we're going to have a bastard barbeque what ever the weather. We got a little shitty gazebo for a tenner which will do nicely for a few days. We have friends coming over to visit which is the main reason for this barbeque.

I'm going to have a shower once Hairy Face is out. I'm humming a bit and it's got nothing to do with music.

Hope everyone is grand! I'm off to scrub the foul stench of cleaning products from my skin.

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During the month of May on Lake Victoria in Tanzania, a cloud of freshly hatched flies (or midges) rises from the water in clouds so dense that from a distance it looks like bellowing clouds of smoke. When great hosts of these flies are blown towards land by the wind, they are swept off the bushes and rocks by the Sesse Islanders or caught against mats hung up for the purpose; they are then compressed into oily cakes, roasted, and eaten.

Delicious!

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He did fall back asleep! I'm going to bumble about until he's ready to go shopping. We're running out of food!

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1. At work the team I was in got disbanded near Christmas. One was made redundant (went travelling for a few months in America and Cananda and has now landed himself a contract job for a year in Amsterdam), the rest of us got other jobs. The job they gave me was a promotion and a payrise of 6k in disguise. I was very pleased.

2. Guinea pigs are still going strong. Currently have a total of 26. I think. I don't know. There's too many. Two babies got taken away/eaten/devoured by either a bloody cat or a crow/magpie/sparrowhawk. The babies have now been moved to safer location.

Now I have to get all the reusable bags together to go food shopping in a half an hour.

Good to see most of you are still blogging away like demons, I really should take a leaf out of your books.

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TIME IS UP.

NO MORE FUCKING CHANGES TO THE FUCKING DOCUMENT!!

...
...
...

Oh al-fucking-right. I'll do it. It's not because I want to, it's because I have to. I hope you all get a bad case of pubic lice and the only way to cure it is to set fire to your lice infested sex nest and bash your own genitals with a big, big hammer.

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I've edited all the spam comments to show their true personality.

That'll teach them. Well, maybe not but it amuses me.

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1. There is a strong possibility that I may be made redundant at Christmas. ‘Woo’.

2. I’ve had three job interviews and didn’t get any of them. The first one I just didn’t have the experience but I thought I’d give it my damndest by researching like a manic lunatic. Second one, I have to admit was just for kicks and interview experience. It was similar to an executive role. The third I missed out because the other person who went for the interview had the priority as they were definitely getting made redundant. Again I say, ‘woo’.

3. This stupid ‘credit crunch’, my weekly food shop is costing me more and I’ve been sacrificing the quality of food for cheap food. Everyone is doing it these days. ‘Woo’ and ‘Eww’.

4. Electric and Gas bill shot up by 50%. OUCH.

5. I’ve put on over a stone on in weight. Ah well, you need the fat reserves for the cold weather don’t you? ‘Woo’ for me.

6. One of the new (NEW new) guinea pigs babies died after Hairy Face spent the night getting up every two hours to hand feed it cat milk. That was quite upsetting but he did the best he could. Crudely (as he was called) is now buried in the garden.

7. Friends of ours had four guinea pigs attacked and taken away by a weasel, stoat or a fox. Their entire guinea pig collection comes from our little colony so that was another blow. The guinea pig enclosure is now like Alcatraz though, nobody can get in and nobody can get out. The survivors don’t seem to be too traumatised by the whole thing; they managed to escape getting eaten by hiding under a wooden pallet.

8. The new editor beta doesn't like me and reformats my text. I will give it a second chance on the next post. *Glares at it with twitchy eye*

Now that I’ve got the rubbish stuff out of the way, normal service will resume shortly. Hope you’re all hale and hearty folks.

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For years and years I thought the Vacuum was called a Vacuum because when you turn it on it makes a sound like this:

'vaaaacuuUUUUMMMM'

Hairy Face was ecstatic to point out while laughing his head off that it was called a vacuum because of what happens inside the bloody thing. It creates a vacuum to suck up all the dirt and dust.

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Saturday:

Woke up and went for a quick food shop. On arrival at the car park there was an empty space right next to the shops which is unheard of. Slipped right in there.

The shopping itself took no longer than three quarters of an hour and we got home just in time for Morton Carnival. Which was ACE.

We put the shopping away and I left the front door open, dashing in and out, waiting for the marching band and the little parade to go by. I've never seen one before so I was bouncing off the walls at this point, demanding where the parade was. I could hear it but I couldn't see it.

It was quite windy when the carnival started and as me and Hairy Face walked in, a gazebo belonging to a couple of old dears who had a tombola suddenly decided to lift off into the air. Hairy Face went bounding over to catch it just before it lifted itself into the next field and pushed one corner in place. I grabbed and stood on it while Hairy Face fixed the other corners into place.

I've never been to a small village carnival (let alone a fate) before and I really enjoyed it, it was so... quintessentially English. Two tombolas, Chesterfield Musketeers marching band, face painting, a small birds of prey display, games like sack race, a bouncy castle, Lucky dip for children AND adults and obviously the
burger place. Not a burger van but a couple with an actual honest-to-goodness barbeque. The burgers tasted like real burgers, not soggy grey meat on a damp bun.

It was a pound to have a go on the lucky dip so, never done a lucky dip since I was the age of nine, I had a go. I won a pot of Boots Botanic skin shine and polish cream. I was delighted, truly delighted! Something so daft tickled me all day.

Hairy Face had a go on the tombola, the same tombola he
gallantly saved from the gust of wind earlier. The lady saw him come over and immediately gave him a large beaming smile and said loudly to her friend "OOOH LOOK, HERE COMES OUR SAMSON!" which made me laugh.

'A raffle ticket stuck to prize which ended in a 0 or a 5 wins. 50 pence for five tickets.' the sign said so Hairy Face had a go. He got one that ended in a five and won a Dolphin Mermaid colouring book and crayon set which he gave to me. I was like a child, very happy with my new colouring set.

This was the kind of thing I dreamt about when I was a kid, since my mum read 'Lost at the Fair' (a Ladybird book) to me. The whole village came out to see the carnival, drinking, laughing, kids going nuts in the centre doing handstands and cartwheels, running around with balloon swords... that was my idea of England when I was small and I was very pleased to see that the way I imagined it was exactly how it was at Morton Carnival.

After the carnival (we went back twice more after the initial visit) we came back and Hairy Face called a friend to see if they wanted to help me extend the guinea pig enclosure. Yes. Extend it. It now takes up almost a full length of the garden. His friend set about by pulling up all the flora and fauna we didn't want, mostly
bloody bind weed and goose grass ('sticky willys' we called them when we were kids... oh I sound old). He also weeded out from under our apple tree, left the Bracken (like a big fern), Snowdrop and Bluebell bulbs. I think they grow from bulbs... anyway, it was tidy under there.

The guinea pig enclosure now goes around the apple tree and the guinea pigs some to love it under there. There is now plenty of room for them to dash about and do those daft little jumps that they do.

That was Saturday, very busy but it was time well spent.

Sunday:

Washing. Washing, washing and more washing. Hairy Face got the washing sorted into one big pile while I went off polish in one hand duster in the other to the living room.

After a good dusting and tidying I went to get the vacuum out from under the stairs. Turned it on, did half of the room then turned it off again as Hairy Face asked me a question about something and I couldn't hear him. I turned the thing on again and I got the 'vaaaaAACUUU-click.'

Hmmm.

'Click'

Huh?

'ClickClickClickClickClickClick'

Stupid vacuum has clonked out. 'Do we have another 10 amp
fuse? It's died again' I asked Hairy Face. he found one, I put it in, it doesn't work. That must have been a spent one. That reminds me, I'll send an email to Hairy Face now to remind him we need to get some on the way home tonight.So yes, half of my living room floor is spotless, the other half... well, I spent a good 20 minutes picking up the visible bits from the carpet. I was not amused. Hot, angry and not amused. Was told to go and sit in the garden until I've stopped raging on about the vacuum. I did and I stopped.

Hairy Face's dad popped over with a hedge trimmer as Hairy Face said he wanted to do a bit of trimming. Along one side of our garden was a couple of unkept bushes which together resembled a really funky huge 70's style afro, which touched the floor.

How much do men enjoy wielding power tools about, especially when it gives them free rein to cause devastation and destruction? He was wielding it about like a barbarian would a broadsword. In no time at all the half of the overgrown garden was no more but a thicket of twigs and sticks. But what is this? We found:

Two bushes that we didn't know was even there
A sapling of some sort
One big toad
A small garden wall that goes from one end to the other
Roughly three metres of extra garden

Three metres of extra ground! Hairy Face sprinkled a load of grass seed down on the bare ground and watered it all, it should grow back lovely. He also sprinkled some grass seed in the guinea pig area to give the bald patches chance to grow. I've got to check and find out what those new plants are, one is green with BIG heart shaped leaves and another will smaller and narrower heart shape leaves with an outline of red around the edges.

I had a fantastic weekend, bring on the next one!

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Thought it would be a nice idea to go to London on the train and stay over the night. My God... How much for one night in London? Is the room wallpaper made from gold leaf? Is the shower head made of platinum? Do I get woken up by nubile luscious young men wearing nothing but silk loincloths gently fanning me with palm leaves and softly tickling my face with an Ostrich feather? I would expect, nay, DEMAND that kind of service from some of the London hotels that are charging ridiculous prices to stay at their establishment for ONE night.

I thought if I look to book train tickets now, you know, in ADVANCE, it would be cheaper. Oh how wrong I was. Is it because these greedy bastards know it's school Summer Holiday and therefore EVERYTHING MUST GO UP ASTRONOMICALLY IN PRICE? I say again, bastards. Utter, utter money grabbing bastards.

A few comparisons and the average cost for two people to go on a train and returning the next day using stated times and one night in a London hotel roughly £300. And that doesn't include food, drink, and Zoo tickets. That might not seem a lot to some people but that to me is a big chunk out of the money bag. I can do it but I will need to juggle money from credit card/savings account (which only has £100 in it!) and my overdraft. I'm getting good at this juggling lark. I could sell one of my kidneys then I would be able to afford the train fare.

I wonder if Hairy Face would be slightly put out if I left him for a very old and filthy rich Oil Baron. I would have to do the usual, make sure I get all his oil money which will be stated in his will and then sex the dear old bugger to death...

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As I type this my heart beat is all over the place. One second its beating normally then there is a silence... it seems to pause. Suddenly *BANG!BANG!BANG!beatbeat beat beatbeatbeat beat beat BANG!BANG! beat*. The BANGs feels as though my heart is literally going to burst out of my chest and it seems to strain against my rib cage. Then its back to normal.

I only seem to get them when I'm sitting down or relaxed. I become acutely aware of my heart beat. It happens a little when I get in bed and I have to take a couple of really deep breaths to calm it down.

I only drink at the weekends and thats only a couple of bottles of Perry (Cider but made of pears, not apples) and I'm smoking 5 or 6 cigarettes a day.

I've had them as far as I can remember but it seems to have got worse in the last month. There are things happening at work as we're having a big shake-up within the business which means that my job role may change but that doesn't bother me as I like a bit of a challange. Still being paid well below the starting salary but that seems to be the norm these days. I digress...

My heart beat has gone back to normal now. Apparently over 700,000 people in the UK have some form of heart palpitation and it's very, very common. If you are worried about it you can see your GB and they may be able to do something to calm it down if it affects you badly.

I can cope with mine, it just makes me hold my breath when I get a big wave and I feel a little light headed but I'm always ok afterwards. The longest they last is roughly two minutes, which seems like an age when they're happening.

It's just very annoying. It's like having your very own brass band start up loudly next to your ear when you least expect it.

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Hope you are all having a relaxing Sunday

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*Twiddles thumbs*

I can see them all gathered at the end of the building, scribbling on the white boards, heads together and a constant low murmur drifts down to where I'm sitting.

An hour goes past and suddenly I leap into action; 'This is an emergency change and it must go through! Who do I need to speak to who?'
I rattle the names off my tongue, told him to chase the first two people and I'll chase the other two. Within ten minutes the change was looked at, approved and sent to the team who needs to implement it. Executed perfectly.

Another lull in the day and I'm twiddling my thumbs again. *Ding!* meeting invite in ten minutes 'EVERYONE MUST ATTEND'... wonderful. Off I toddle to the other building.

The meeting lasted ten minutes: 'Thanks for all your hard work, we're half way there. A few issues but we've all done a fantastic job. Thanks.'
That was the meeting in a nutshell. I toddle off back to my building.

Lunchtime and I'm not the slightest bit hungry. Work activity has come to a complete standstill for me. I turn my chair towards the closest mounted plasma TV and watch Sky News for a bit. Oh joy; I've caught the tail end of the sport news. With a slight look of disgust I turn my chair back to my PC and go to the BBC news website.

NETWORK ERROR

Ahh... I see we've lost connectivity. The Commandos have snapped into action and busy looking at graphs, pointing at them, hands on chins and nodding seriously. Wait for it... wait for it... AND THERE HE GOES! One of them shoots off in a sprint towards the other end of the building to the team who may be able to fix the problem. The Benny Hill theme tune plays loudly in my head, making me smile slightly. It'll most likely be some configuration tweaking that needs doing.

*Ding!* Email asking if we need anything from Morrisons for dinner tonight. Hmmm... No, I'm not that hungry. I'll have a bowl of cereal tonight if I am. No appetite today. Possibly because I can feel the onslaught of a cold building up behind my nose, eyes and head. Eurgh.

*Blip!* Instant message waiting. Work colleague stating that incest is awful and he can't think of anything worse. It is a slow day.
*Tappity tappity tappity*
I replied that incest with a dead relative is worse.
*Blip!* Incest with a member of your family who is the same SEX is worse.
*Tappity tappity tappity* On par with dead relative.
I get accused of having done it with a dead person and quick reply back to him to say that no, I haven't but he has and he is so well know for it that they call him Necrophilly behind his back and that his reputation exceeds him.

Silence.

I win that round.

I try going to the BBC news website. It works. Issue resolved then. Marvellous.

WINDOWS - VIRTUAL MEMORY MINIMUM TO LOW

*Sigh*

Everyday it that pops up but it doesn't slow anything down. I ignore it.

The managers are having a discussion in front of my desk. 'What is priority and what isn't?’ is the agenda. I close my ears to them and open a spreadsheet. Does it need updating? Let me see... no I updated it earlier.

Phone rings. It's Hairyface asking me how my day is going and then he goes in with a tirade of utter annoyance at some rather big mistakes that certain people have made at his work place. I smile as I listen to him. Some things never change. I confirm that I'm finishing at 5:30pm today and he confirms that he will call me when he is ready to leave his work. This is so that I have time to log off, gather my things and wait for him outside.

Two hours and a quarter hours to go. I'm going to spend the rest of today watching the clock.

Oh no, a possible three emergency changes might be winging its way for me. That should keep me busy until 5:30pm. I'll make them last me until then.

HOORAY I'M BUSY AGAIN!

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I had a fantastic time. Hairyface took me to the World Service Restaurant in Nottingham and I was glammed up to the nines in a low cut, short black star covered dress, a pair of sexy killer black and white high heels and my new Radley handbag and matching purse (from Hairyface). I did look rather hot if I may say so myself.

The food was exquisite, the staff was very attentative and the interior was luxurious. I felt every inch a movie star. After the most fantastic three course meal I even had a Montecristo Torpedo No. 2 cigar. I was every inch the sultry, smoking sexy Bond Girl... until I got up and tried to walk.

My God, the pain. Excruciating, face screwing pain. I didn't dare take my high heels off in case I saw that my toes were covered in blood. I hobbled out of that restaurant like a new Drag Queen in her first pair of high heels, but I didn't care that much because for those three hours, I was (in my head) a fabulous movie star, a somebody, a lady with attitude. I was beautiful and fantastic. Now I'm plain old Saffronica, in her comfy jeans and trainers hehe.

Eleven baby Guinea Pigs now. I've stamped my foot down (not on the babies obviously) and stated 'NO MORE GUINEA PIG ORGIES. NO MORE GUINEA PIG GANG BANGS. NO MORE SHAGGING GUINEA PIGS.' I think it worked quite well. I hope. He is not talking me into having more. At least for the next six months.

We were in the garden yesterday watching the Guinea Pigs all scuffling around on the grass when out of nowhere this great big bloody thing of bird swooped down as fast as lightning, smashed into the bush, crashed into the fence behind the bush, untangled itself and flew out again like a Bat out of Hell. It was a bloody Sparrow Hawk chasing after a sparrow. The Guinea Pigs bolted into the many small shelters they have in their enclosure and we all ducked our heads. Since then, Hairyface has become very worried that the Sparrow Hawk might swoop down and take the one of the baby Guinea Pigs away, so they are now shut in when we're out. Just in case.

I'm looking forward to Bank Holiday Monday. I've booked this Thursday and Friday off so I'm going to have a nice looooong weekend. I'm absolutely looking forward to the time off

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Woke up a woman possessed and did a tidy up of my front room and kitchen. Actually found the scent oil candle thing and got that burning away. Smells bloody lovely.

Got the kettle on as I fancy a cup of coffee.

Had a mad dance about the living room as I'm adding more songs to my MP3 player.

Had a Snickers bar for breakfast but because of the crazy thrashing about dancing I don't feel guilty.

As if I ever feel guilty about what I eat. HA!

My brother is coming over tomorrow which is a bloody shock as he never used to visit me when I lived five minutes away from him. I think he is even contemplating staying over... *faints in disbelief*

Started Tarot reading again. I don't do it that often but I get the urge now and again. Last reading I did was for a work colleague who said it was 'scarily accurate'. I didn't ask why or details of which bits were accurate because it's none of my business. I've now put my Tarot stuff bag in the wooden chest until I need them again.

That's me done. I just had the urge to ramble about rubbish.

Have a good Easter all

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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v207/Hazydaisy/Quick%20Cartoons/Sigh.jpg

It works for me

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I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT but I can't stop listening to it once it's on. I want to hack my ears off with a blunt pair of scissors, it's what I should do but I can't because I *need* to listen to the song all the way to the end. After it’s finished I feel dirty and disgusted with myself for toe-tapping along to this God awful bloody tune.

Hey Ya by Andre3000

My God. What a load of absolute buggery and yet, I can't stop myself from quietly humming it under my breath and my feet start jiggering about to it all on their own.
Andre3000, I do not want to meet your daddy, nor your mammy and I certainly don't want to be in your Caddy, I just want you to fuck the fuck off with your wank Polaroid (and now obsolete) camera.

Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani

AARGGHHHH! HOW DO I KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO THIS, THIS BAG OF JISM?! My body suddenly gets the urge to do stupid physical things like five star jumps, shake my 'poms poms' in a slut-like fashion and I HATE it. Fortunately I can resist the urge but again the toe-tapping shit starts up. All by themselves. Maybe I need to bind my feet really tight to stop this from happening. This is definitely not 'my shit' Gwen.

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Life can be so Goddamn cruel.

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Now, all the above is the main reason why she left him. Someone from her workplace knew she was having problems and always tried to cheer her up, make her laugh and smile. She now seems to have got together with this person and she came to visit me with said person. She said that this person is not really the type she goes for so I'm thinking 'Oh, this should be interesting'.

While both friend and said person were nattering away in my front room, me being the critical watchful owl that I am (whilst talking and being polite) decided to have a good look/listen at said person to see why this person wasn't my friends 'normal' type.

My conclusion? Similar attitude (like her husband), swears like a trooper (like her husband) and typical blond hair/blue eyes (like her husband). So what is so different from her husband to this person that she wouldn't go typically for? The said person is on the slim side. Skinny even. That is the only thing that I can find that is different. It's true; she has never dated a skinny person. They are usually rippling with muscles.

Have I said anything to her? Not in so many words. She text me after she went home and wanted me to be truthful about him. All I said was that he seems to be alright and that she must not rush into things. I also reminded her that all new 'relationships' for the first few months are usually 'perfect'.

She seemed a little taken aback by the tone of her next text. I think she thought I would send her a glowing report (which I would have if I think it was deserved). I really hope she doesn't get hurt in all this but she knows whatever happens, I'll always be her best friend and I'll always be there for her if she needs me.

Bloody women eh?

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Hope you all had a Happy New Year and a Merry Christmas, I did. I didn't drink too much but ate enough food to sustain a small African village for a month. All my jeans seem to have shrunk in the wash, rendering them a little too tight for comfort to wear. Would this be because of the great pile of Christmas Fayre type feastings that I wheel-barrowed onto my plate over the festive holidays? Of course not. It’s definitely the jeans shrinking in the wash.

Christmas and Amsterdam has left me absolutely penniless. Well, I say penniless. I have £60 to last me for two weeks and that’s to pay for food, petrol and toilet paper. Not much. Called my bank this afternoon and the girl at the other end of phone was a bloody angel. She let me have an overdraft facility for a so many pounds and also waived the set up fee. I was that impressed with her as soon as the call was over I fired a glowing email oozing with compliments about her to the bank. If someone puts that much effort into helping you out when you’re in the shit, it’s nice to let them know that you appreciated what they have done for you. Mind you, if someone was a complete and utter cock when I need help, I also fire off an email to their company… to say that their employee is well… shit and tell them exactly why they are, but only if they were extremely unhelpful, I mean really, really just a waste of space.

Plummer the Guinea Pig had three mini-guineas, two black and white ones and one pure black. They're all curly. Curly whiskers and curly hair. These have been named as Gnarly, Blackjack and Jam. Jam is the black one obviously. Hairy Face is rather pleased with this as it shows that the mini-guineas all have the recessive gene. The parents and grandparents all have straight hair so it does look as if these babies all have the throwback gene.

After the holidays, me and Hairy Face went to Amsterdam for three days and enjoyed ourselves immensely. We went to Artis Zoo (for five hours) and the Nemo Museum, restaurants and coffee shops all while mostly under the influence. A mad Slovenian busker also followed us all the way up Damrak, singing a song about telling people to go away and stop pestering them. Hairy Face wanted to see if he would follow us all the way up and he did. Hairy Face gave him some change and we had a little chat. The busker was as mad as a hatter, talkative but a nice chap. Also during this trip, it was the first time I was ever offered crack. He was a towering Zulu Warrior of a man. We walked past him and as we did so he half whispered ‘Crack?’ into my ear, to which I politely replied 'No thank you!' while Hairy Face looked at me in disbelief. What? Manners do not cost anything I said.

I’m now trying to get my head into work mode and frankly, I’m fighting a losing battle. It’s Friday, another hour and a half to go and the weekend officially starts. I’m not moving from the bed-pit until gone noon tomorrow people!

Well what do you know, blog.co.uk is blocked at work. The buggers.

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Hairy Face and I dashed around Nottingham yesterday trying to buy Christmas presents. We got a good start, just need a few bits and pieces and we're done. I really enjoyed myself yesterday. It was nice just the two of us. He took me for lunch at TGI Friday after I made him wander around for a good 30 minutes before I chose a place to go for lunch... poor bugger. He’s full of head cold too. After all the shopping, we headed towards the train station to catch the train home. Hairy Face had a look on the board and the train we wanted to catch was leaving the station in three minutes. We both walked fast to the stairway and can just see the train sitting right on the end of the platform. We both looked at each other and sprinted towards it, both with bags of Christmas shopping. We made it on and the train started as soon as the door shut behind us. I was quite proud of myself, I sprinted about 100 metres and I wasn’t coughing or spluttering. I haven’t ran like that in years! There were no seats on the train so Hairy Face and I sat on the luggage rack all the home. Yes, I really enjoyed myself yesterday and Hairy Face did too. It was a nice way to celebrate our little Anniversary.

We had the Landlord inspection last Friday and that went very well. He didn't care about the Guinea Pigs in the back garden. All he cares about is that we do not have any cats or dogs in the house which is fair enough. I wonder what he would say about a dwarf hamster? I saw one of these in a pet shop on the outskirts of town and they were bloody adorable. I wanted a pair. Also decided if we do finally buy our own house I would like a big garden so that I can buy myself a Tapir and call him Brian. It's the snuffly nose that gets me. I will also get a Three Toed Sloth and call him Fred, to keep Brian company. That is my plan.

One of our Guinea Pigs is pregnant. Only one (I bloody hope). It's Plummer and it will be her first pregnancy. I've already told Hairy Face that the male Guinea Pigs will need to be separated as soon as possible. It's not fair on the other female Guinea Pigs being harassed every five seconds. I'm going to have them castrated. I'll do it myself. There must be a rubber band small enough for me to tie their little testicles tight so that they drop off... pesky little buggers. The males are all going to be given away soon. If not I will kill them, cook them and eat them. After all, that's what they are bred for in South America.

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I think I had roughly three hours sleep last night and now I'm that tired I feel slightly nauseous. Bleh.

Also I have to go straight to my mum’s house as it's her partner's birthday. I have to go round and give card and present for him. I can't stay too long as I've got all tonight and tomorrow night to do a whirlwind tidy up of the house as the Letting Agency are coming round Friday to inspect the property.

They have no idea about the Guinea Pigs hehe. We do have an email from the house owner, who is now living the life Down Under, and she has given us permission to have Guinea Pigs. Must remember to get that email printed off and give a copy to the Letting Agency so that we're covered.

Ham Man should be coming over to visit over the weekend (like he said he was going to for the past three or four weekends) so Hairy Face and Lebeau should be happy. See if he is actually going to turn up first.

I have not done any Christmas present shopping at all. The last few weeks have been about the bloody car (money) and birthdays (money) so this Christmas is going to be tight. I hate not having any money, I really do. I'm a generous person when it comes to family presents and this year it's going to be hard on me as I like to surprise them. I'll start my Christmas shopping on Monday and anything else I need I will have to wait until I get paid (six days before Christmas). Still, I can look forward to Amsterdam after Christmas is over.

This will be my first Christmas without Grandma and I am not looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to going to my Granddad’s house because she'll not be there and I know mum is most likely going to end up crying and I hate crying. All I want to do is get there, say hello to family, eat Christmas meal and go home. We all deal with it differently. I just want to get up and go out, get some air. I don’t want to reminisce, I don't want to do the 'remember when...' conversations and I don't want to her how everyone still misses her because face it, nothing they can say or do will bring her back and when they cry, they make me cry and I hate crying. But as I've said already, we all deal with it differently. I don't think I'm over it as much as I thought I was. I'd much rather remember her in my own head, when I've got a quiet time and just sit and smile.

I've got my serious head on and have had it for a couple of days now. I think it's because Christmas is just around the corner and to be honest... I'm dreading it. Hopefully I'll be back to normal nearer to the time. As long as I can go home a little after the Christmas dinner, have some alone time to miss Grandma in my own way and allow myself to have a little cry... that will be fine. Roll on January, get Christmas out of the way.

God I am melancholy and miserable. I best try and kick myself up the arse and get into a better mood otherwise I'll just be wallowing in self pity and you can sod that for a game of soldiers! And it's also that time of the month again too. Bloody typical!

Honestly, it's not that bad really. I just have to look at it all from a different angle or a different point of view. Stupid menstrual cycle always gets me mopey and melancholy. Chocolate helps a little but it's not very healthy. Is there anything out there that would help me lift my mood when it's that time? Anything I could take? I'm getting a bit sick and tired of being bloody miserable for five days a month, all because my womb lining is coming away! It's RIDICULOUS!

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I hate days like this. I use up all my energy constantly nagging myself mentally to cheer up because it isn't REALLY that bad. It isn't! Honestly it's like my mind is in two pieces, one half is trying to kick the other half back into shape.

Hairy Face is staying late at work a couple of nights a week and Patsy Paranoia is screaming stupid about affairs while Sally Common-Sense is screaming back (and louder I might add) about Patsy is just doing it to get attention, trying to make me paranoid.

I had my annual review and although it went okay, Dolores Doubt is smirking, quietly saying through the side of her mouth that I won't get a pay rise, I've done nothing, I don't work hard enough and why am I bothering even hoping to get one. Helena Hope on the other hand is constantly talking over her, saying that I have done a good job, my review was good, I will get that pay rise and who knows, if I could put my mind to it, I could conquer the world (Helena does get a bit carried away sometimes).

And now I feel a bit better. I do. I just read back what I've written and found it amusing that I put names to emotions so that what I'm feeling is easier to understand. I hate days like this. I don't often get them but when I do, by God it's a battle and a half to keep me up. But yes, I do feel better now and the mood is lifting.

Sod it, I'm going to have a chocolate bar

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We parked the car at Hairy Face's work place. Hairy Face had to go into the office to print some stuff out and said he would meet us in the new Town Centre. The three of us - I, Lebeau and Lebeau's Girlfriend - went off down the road.

As we walked along the pavement, I spotted a pile of autumn leaves on the floor. Not a small pile but a great big pile where the wind blew them in the middle of the pavement.

As we walked towards it I could feel myself giggling in my head and I started to smile.

Cars were parked on either side of the road and there was a roadside mobile snack thing so a few people were milling about.

'I'm going to do it.'

'Do what?' asked Lebeau and Lebeau's Girlfriend.

'I'm going to do it and I don't care who sees me!'

And I did it.

I ran towards the big pile of leaves and jumped in feet first, kicked about like a mad while shouting 'WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!'

After a minute of utter devilment, I ran out of the leafy pile and shook myself off as I was covered in leaves and carried on walking as normal.

I'm such a big kid.

Oh, and I did it again on the way back, much to the amusement of Hairy Face.

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We're all taking on more than twice the normal work load. When I get home, I just potter about doing mundane house hold chores and then flop on the sofa.

On to the fiascos!


Halloween Fiasco:

30th of October, three little boys knocked on our door with just a mask on, asking for sweets. I was caught out but luckily we had some lollipops. I didn't expect to see trick or treaters the day before Halloween.

31st October - Halloween night. I and Hairy Face got in from work and I slowly closed the living room curtains and locked the front door. We (including Lebeau) all disappeared into the middle room and played quietly on the Xbox. Funnily enough, no one knocked on our door that night. I was sure that we were going to be swooped upon by a thousand ghosts, witches and ghouls but no. It's good though as we had run out of sweets on the account of Lebeau and Hairy Face kept dipping in to it.


The Car Fiasco:

Car needs a new clutch and clutch flywheel. £552. Sunwin garage tells us it should be ready by last Wednesday.

Wednesday arrives. Latest is Friday they said.

Friday arrives. It'll be done Saturday they said.

Saturday arrives. Only one man in. It will definitely be ready by Monday he said.

Today arrives. They'll see what they can do. Possibly Tuesday they said.

Hairy Face is now calling the Head Office. He said so.

Most expensive week ever. It is costing us nearly £30 a day to get to work and back. If Sunwin had said that it would most likely be next week that the car would be fixed, we could have hired a bloody car for the fraction of the price it's costing us to get to work and back each day. Money is tight, tight as a gnat's anus.


The Bus Fiasco:

Because the car is in the garage (just sitting there doing bugger all I may add), we've had to catch the bus.

One night after finishing work, I met Hairy Face and we got on the bus. A rather large and seemingly simple lady got on and wanted to sit on a seat which had a table. A man was already sitting by the window and she asked him to move over. He didn't. He couldn't. If he moved any further up he would have had to climb out of the window. Big Lady screeched for the bus driver, who stepped off the bus to go to the toilet. Big lady stood and waited for him to come back. The driver got on the bus...

'Driivaaa! Drivaa! This man won't move up and I wanna to sit there. Tell him to move!'

The driver isn't allowed to get involved and asked the lady to sit elsewhere as there were plenty of seats.

'I wanna sit here. I ain't sitting elsewhere. He won't moooove!'

Mumbles started to be heard around the bus.

Princess Leia (a girl with Leia buns) piped up from the back.

'Sit daaahn love, we want to go home!' in a thick Liverpuddlian accent.

Big Lady ignored her.

Other people started to pipe up.

A bunch of teenagers sitting opposite me and Hairy Face started.

'Sit down will ya, we wanna get home! For Christ sake, just sit down and shut up whining. There are plenty of seats!'

Big lady gave them a dirty look.

Hairy Face (who thrives off things like this) had a word.

'There five empty seats behind us, why don't you seat at the back of the bus?'

Big Lady replied 'I get sick if I sit at the back. I can't sit at the baaack!'

The mumbling changed to laughter and then annoyance. Everyone started to tell her to sit down.

Hairy Face, now annoyed, tired and wanting to go home, piped up again.

'Either sit down or get off the bus. I've enough of this town and I just want to go home as do all the other people on here.'

Chorus of 'Here, here!' and 'Well said from Princess Leia echoed around the bus.

Another lady got up and said to Big Lady 'Here, me and my friend have moved so you can have two whole seats to yourself now PLEASE will you sit down!?'

Big Lady waddled up and sat down. Not even a thank you. Just a tut and huff.

We finally got going. 20 minutes behind schedule but we got going.

When I and Hairy Face got to our stop, Hairy Face turned to the man who wouldn't move and said to him 'Good on you for not moving Sir.'

The man smiled and said quietly 'Too right.'

Big Lady heard Hairy Face and exclaimed 'You're just a pig you are!'

Hairy Face smiled at her and got off the bus. I was laughing. Some people.


The Guinea Pig Fiasco:

Instead of having three Guinea Pigs, we now have eight.

EIGHT.

The male has now been taken to Hairy Face's parent’s house.

All male Guinea Pigs when old enough will be promptly sent to his parents, even if I have to load my pockets up with Guinea Pigs and hay and walk down there myself.

They are very cute but it's getting silly. We can't tell what the babies sexes are as yet, they're too small.

We think all three of the females gave birth. Scumose gave birth to two, Paul Simon had two and Plummer has one. Bad Guinea Pigs. Naughty Guinea Pigs.

Hairy Face has already named them all:

One Big Gus
Clapper
Tip Top
Catsby
Twisp


The Gazebo Fiasco:

Hairy Face and Lebeau decided to put up the gazebo over the Guinea Pig hutch to keep the rain off it last week.

It was terribly windy last Friday. We got home from work and I went into the kitchen to put the kettle on (as you do) and I happen to look out of the window. I shouted over to Hairy Face as to why there are white poles propped up outside the kitchen window. He didn't know but Lebeau said 'Ahh... yes about that...' and said I should take a look outside.

Stepping outside, the first thing I noticed was that there was no gazebo. Guinea Pig hutch was still there, unharmed. Looking further down the garden, I noticed that the gazebo has been caught in the branches of our apple tree, flapping away like a tattered old flag.

They got it down and made it up again. Over the Guinea Pig hutch but this time with garden wire attaching the gazebo to any heavy object close by. It looks secure... but we'll see. Probably next time it might go over to next doors garden and their two dogs might rip it to shreds.

So yes, I’m still here, hanging on by a mere thread of humanity but still here.

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•  "Hello love, how is your day coming along? I’m having a stupid FAT day today. I looked at myself in the big mirror upstairs and today I look huge (which I know I’m not, just a little overweight). I’ve skipped lunch..."

•  "I cannot believe how fat I feel today. It’s stupid. I know I’m not FAT fat and I think work have installed fun fair full length mirrors in the bathrooms and hid a camera behind them, just so that they can see me double take and let out a small whimpering ‘Oh God, I’m so fat’. I feel like a bloated corpse that you would find floating face down in a lake or a similar body of water except I’m still ALIVE. Probably best if I went on a diet for a week just so I feel better but I have reservations about this dieting stuff. I might just weigh myself tonight on those scales in the bathroom and see how much I’ve put on since moving in. That’ll be the decider whether I should cut down on the food or not. I thought I was being quite good too. I don’t eat a lot, I don’t snack as much. Now I’m just going off on an ‘Oh God I’m fat yes I really, really am fat as an Elephant Seal that is expecting sixplets’. It is all ridiculous nonsense as I know I am NOT AS FAT AS I LOOK IN THE FUN FAIR MIRRORS AT WORK."

• "You need to go for a lie down? I need to go for a lie down! I’m having one of those days that women have when they look in the mirror and they see a 10 ton Tessie Elephant Seal blobbing about on two feet looking... well… FAT. FAT DAYS they call it. I’m having one of those even though I know I’m not FAT but women can’t help it. And will I go on a diet? Will I heck us like go on a bloomin’ diet. You can stick your bloomin’ celery stick where the sun doesn’t shine!"

So there you go. Today is a normal day. What I want to know is why do we have these Fat Days? I haven't got low esteem and I've pretty confident but I still get these paranoid Fat Days. What's going on there?! Its nonsense, absolutely ridiculous!

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Yes.

Ostrich Burger and bloody lovely it was too. It taste a little like beef, a normal beef burger but with a something else that wasn't unpleasant at all. I'll be having one of those again! The farmer market rolls into town every third Thursday and on my lunch break I go into town on the bus to meet Hairy Face and have a stroll through. MMmmm Ostrich Burgers.

I lost my phone either on the bus or that person who bumped into me while I was faffing about in my bag looking for my purse while standing at the cash machine. I called the phone company to block my phone when I got back to work and they said they couldn't do anything as all their systems were down while an upgrade was going on and that I had to call back in an hour. Not very pleased but there was sod sll I could do. Called again and the girl on the end of the phone, albeit a little slow, was lovely and did everything she could to help. It turns out that I'm due for an upgrade anyway so a brand new phone will be with me in three days.

Work has been busy and next week will be even worse. Shirt staffed, a project to finish with a tight deadline a new starter. I won't even have time to hiccup never mind a fart. In other words, I may not be around at all next week but will most likely log on and read what you've all been up to.

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I need my eyes testing again. I can't remember the last time I had my eyes tested. Things are just getting that little bit blurry. I'm not keen on eye tests, reason being is that the Optician gets too close to me for my liking but it's the only way they can test my eyes. I feel uncomfortable so I usually have someone sat in there with me. Silly I suppose but I just don't like people I don't know getting so close that if they stuck out their tongue they are able to lick my face.

I'll book it for next month. Maybe next I'll think about having laser surgery. I haven't seen what I look like without glasses for so long so I don't know what I would look like without them on from afar. I'll give it some thought.

I feel slightly strange today. As if I'm looking at myself from the outside and clinically analysing every thought I think. No criticism just... analysing. A strange experience.

Tonight I shall go home and cook chicken and rice. Probably honey and mustard as Hairy Face likes that. Or should I do it with pasta? Bugger I still have the Chicken paprika in the fridge. I'll heat that up and eat that as soon as I walk in and do everyone a late dinner, probably about half sevenish.

I'm pretty happy. More content than happy but these things go hand in hand usually. That was a super fast thought rush of a thousand questions firing off in my head in a millisecond and the outcome is that I'm content. I didn't even catch any of the questions and God only knows how I arrived at the outcome. I didn't even know I was asking a bloody question.

Its things like the above that make me think I'm a bit tapped. Odd even. It's like when you put two mirrors together facing each other and you put yourself in the middle, you can see the reflection going on and on and on and on. Sometimes my thoughts work like that. It's pretty hard to explain. A million thoughts go flashing by in various colours (which depicts what sort of thought it is, like happy, sad, annoyed, curious) and I can see each individual thought but only for a fraction. Sometimes I can remember what that thought was that made me feel that emotion for that moment or I know what mood that thought was by the colour of it. This doesn't happen all the time. If it did I would have gone nuts a long time ago. It only happens when I let my mind drift and go on of its own accord, which isn't very often. I am officially a fruit loop.

Bugger, I've forgotten to have lunch. No wonder I'm hungry. Sod it; I'm not going to eat now when I'm only at work for another two hours. I'll wait until I get home.

Suddenly gone very tired. I think my pony tail is in too tight. I've got a council estate facelift. I'm sat here breathing on my hands as they are a bit cold. I have my gloves in my bag but I think that would be going too far if I just whipped them out and started typing with them on. I wouldn't be able to type with them on anyway.

Well, that's enough talking absolute nonsense, got to get my working head back on. Some work has just been thrown my way and I'm grabbing it with both hands. It's been too quiet today.

Saffronica must be kept occupied at all times lest she goes into some weird type state and talks utter utter balls.

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I can't wait.

Really, really can't wait. January, freezing cold in Amsterdam but I am really looking forward to it.

Tried to check a loan I had outstanding and it kept saying my customer reference number was invalid. Slightly panicking, I called them up only to be told this:

"Your customer reference number is invalid because we called for the last payment yesterday. This loan has been settled. You don't owe us anything anymore.'

HURRAY!!! An extra £70 a month to play around with. Well, £20. The other £50 will go towards my credit card each month to pay it off faster. I hate being in debt. With the rate I'm going at the moment, I will be financially free in three and half years which isn't that bad to be honest. I might be able to seriously think about buying my own home then. Plus if I do get my pay rise at the end of this year that would be even better. Until then, I'll struggle on. I really hate budgeting.

One loan down, another loan and credit card to go! I'm getting there.

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