Beulah, peel me a grape.

Hmmm. I see some lovely spam comments have appeared on my 'You try to help...' post.

I've edited all the spam comments to show their true personality.

That'll teach them. Well, maybe not but it amuses me.

Well, it has been a while hasn't it? It's been a bit grim of late so let’s get the doom and gloom rubbish out of the way:

1. There is a strong possibility that I may be made redundant at Christmas. ‘Woo’.

2. I’ve had three job interviews and didn’t get any of them. The first one I just didn’t have the experience but I thought I’d give it my damndest by researching like a manic lunatic. Second one, I have to admit was just for kicks and interview experience. It was similar to an executive role. The third I missed out because the other person who went for the interview had the priority as they were definitely getting made redundant. Again I say, ‘woo’.

3. This stupid ‘credit crunch’, my weekly food shop is costing me more and I’ve been sacrificing the quality of food for cheap food. Everyone is doing it these days. ‘Woo’ and ‘Eww’.

4. Electric and Gas bill shot up by 50%. OUCH.

5. I’ve put on over a stone on in weight. Ah well, you need the fat reserves for the cold weather don’t you? ‘Woo’ for me.

6. One of the new (NEW new) guinea pigs babies died after Hairy Face spent the night getting up every two hours to hand feed it cat milk. That was quite upsetting but he did the best he could. Crudely (as he was called) is now buried in the garden.

7. Friends of ours had four guinea pigs attacked and taken away by a weasel, stoat or a fox. Their entire guinea pig collection comes from our little colony so that was another blow. The guinea pig enclosure is now like Alcatraz though, nobody can get in and nobody can get out. The survivors don’t seem to be too traumatised by the whole thing; they managed to escape getting eaten by hiding under a wooden pallet.

8. The new editor beta doesn't like me and reformats my text. I will give it a second chance on the next post. *Glares at it with twitchy eye*

Now that I’ve got the rubbish stuff out of the way, normal service will resume shortly. Hope you’re all hale and hearty folks.

Useless fact about me:

For years and years I thought the Vacuum was called a Vacuum because when you turn it on it makes a sound like this:

'vaaaacuuUUUUMMMM'

Hairy Face was ecstatic to point out while laughing his head off that it was called a vacuum because of what happens inside the bloody thing. It creates a vacuum to suck up all the dirt and dust.

A busy weekend indeed. Hairy Face and I woke up earlier the usual (9:30am IS early for a weekend for us I'll have you know) and got a lot done. I'm so proud of him.

Saturday:

Woke up and went for a quick food shop. On arrival at the car park there was an empty space right next to the shops which is unheard of. Slipped right in there.

The shopping itself took no longer than three quarters of an hour and we got home just in time for Morton Carnival. Which was ACE.

We put the shopping away and I left the front door open, dashing in and out, waiting for the marching band and the little parade to go by. I've never seen one before so I was bouncing off the walls at this point, demanding where the parade was. I could hear it but I couldn't see it.

It was quite windy when the carnival started and as me and Hairy Face walked in, a gazebo belonging to a couple of old dears who had a tombola suddenly decided to lift off into the air. Hairy Face went bounding over to catch it just before it lifted itself into the next field and pushed one corner in place. I grabbed and stood on it while Hairy Face fixed the other corners into place.

I've never been to a small village carnival (let alone a fate) before and I really enjoyed it, it was so... quintessentially English. Two tombolas, Chesterfield Musketeers marching band, face painting, a small birds of prey display, games like sack race, a bouncy castle, Lucky dip for children AND adults and obviously the
burger place. Not a burger van but a couple with an actual honest-to-goodness barbeque. The burgers tasted like real burgers, not soggy grey meat on a damp bun.

It was a pound to have a go on the lucky dip so, never done a lucky dip since I was the age of nine, I had a go. I won a pot of Boots Botanic skin shine and polish cream. I was delighted, truly delighted! Something so daft tickled me all day.

Hairy Face had a go on the tombola, the same tombola he
gallantly saved from the gust of wind earlier. The lady saw him come over and immediately gave him a large beaming smile and said loudly to her friend "OOOH LOOK, HERE COMES OUR SAMSON!" which made me laugh.

'A raffle ticket stuck to prize which ended in a 0 or a 5 wins. 50 pence for five tickets.' the sign said so Hairy Face had a go. He got one that ended in a five and won a Dolphin Mermaid colouring book and crayon set which he gave to me. I was like a child, very happy with my new colouring set.

This was the kind of thing I dreamt about when I was a kid, since my mum read 'Lost at the Fair' (a Ladybird book) to me. The whole village came out to see the carnival, drinking, laughing, kids going nuts in the centre doing handstands and cartwheels, running around with balloon swords... that was my idea of England when I was small and I was very pleased to see that the way I imagined it was exactly how it was at Morton Carnival.

After the carnival (we went back twice more after the initial visit) we came back and Hairy Face called a friend to see if they wanted to help me extend the guinea pig enclosure. Yes. Extend it. It now takes up almost a full length of the garden. His friend set about by pulling up all the flora and fauna we didn't want, mostly
bloody bind weed and goose grass ('sticky willys' we called them when we were kids... oh I sound old). He also weeded out from under our apple tree, left the Bracken (like a big fern), Snowdrop and Bluebell bulbs. I think they grow from bulbs... anyway, it was tidy under there.

The guinea pig enclosure now goes around the apple tree and the guinea pigs some to love it under there. There is now plenty of room for them to dash about and do those daft little jumps that they do.

That was Saturday, very busy but it was time well spent.

Sunday:

Washing. Washing, washing and more washing. Hairy Face got the washing sorted into one big pile while I went off polish in one hand duster in the other to the living room.

After a good dusting and tidying I went to get the vacuum out from under the stairs. Turned it on, did half of the room then turned it off again as Hairy Face asked me a question about something and I couldn't hear him. I turned the thing on again and I got the 'vaaaaAACUUU-click.'

Hmmm.

'Click'

Huh?

'ClickClickClickClickClickClick'

Stupid vacuum has clonked out. 'Do we have another 10 amp
fuse? It's died again' I asked Hairy Face. he found one, I put it in, it doesn't work. That must have been a spent one. That reminds me, I'll send an email to Hairy Face now to remind him we need to get some on the way home tonight.So yes, half of my living room floor is spotless, the other half... well, I spent a good 20 minutes picking up the visible bits from the carpet. I was not amused. Hot, angry and not amused. Was told to go and sit in the garden until I've stopped raging on about the vacuum. I did and I stopped.

Hairy Face's dad popped over with a hedge trimmer as Hairy Face said he wanted to do a bit of trimming. Along one side of our garden was a couple of unkept bushes which together resembled a really funky huge 70's style afro, which touched the floor.

How much do men enjoy wielding power tools about, especially when it gives them free rein to cause devastation and destruction? He was wielding it about like a barbarian would a broadsword. In no time at all the half of the overgrown garden was no more but a thicket of twigs and sticks. But what is this? We found:

Two bushes that we didn't know was even there
A sapling of some sort
One big toad
A small garden wall that goes from one end to the other
Roughly three metres of extra garden

Three metres of extra ground! Hairy Face sprinkled a load of grass seed down on the bare ground and watered it all, it should grow back lovely. He also sprinkled some grass seed in the guinea pig area to give the bald patches chance to grow. I've got to check and find out what those new plants are, one is green with BIG heart shaped leaves and another will smaller and narrower heart shape leaves with an outline of red around the edges.

I had a fantastic weekend, bring on the next one!

Christ on a tandem with the Holy Ghost, how do they expect us to use public transport when the cost of a train ticket is more if we bought petrol and went in the car? I got two weeks booked off in the summer (end of August/start of September) and we fancy going to London to visit London Zoo because I've never been before.

Thought it would be a nice idea to go to London on the train and stay over the night. My God... How much for one night in London? Is the room wallpaper made from gold leaf? Is the shower head made of platinum? Do I get woken up by nubile luscious young men wearing nothing but silk loincloths gently fanning me with palm leaves and softly tickling my face with an Ostrich feather? I would expect, nay, DEMAND that kind of service from some of the London hotels that are charging ridiculous prices to stay at their establishment for ONE night.

I thought if I look to book train tickets now, you know, in ADVANCE, it would be cheaper. Oh how wrong I was. Is it because these greedy bastards know it's school Summer Holiday and therefore EVERYTHING MUST GO UP ASTRONOMICALLY IN PRICE? I say again, bastards. Utter, utter money grabbing bastards.

A few comparisons and the average cost for two people to go on a train and returning the next day using stated times and one night in a London hotel roughly £300. And that doesn't include food, drink, and Zoo tickets. That might not seem a lot to some people but that to me is a big chunk out of the money bag. I can do it but I will need to juggle money from credit card/savings account (which only has £100 in it!) and my overdraft. I'm getting good at this juggling lark. I could sell one of my kidneys then I would be able to afford the train fare.

I wonder if Hairy Face would be slightly put out if I left him for a very old and filthy rich Oil Baron. I would have to do the usual, make sure I get all his oil money which will be stated in his will and then sex the dear old bugger to death...